Friends

A conversation with Alice...

Me: I just got of the phone with "Shane." We were talking for 3hours while she was dissembling her bed...so we weren't really talking but talking like we talk....

Alice: Yeah you two have a wierd Ross and Rachel thing going...

Me: No I don't want to date her. I mean she nice and cute but she's...well she a little arrogant.

Alice: You know who you are? Yooourrr Rosssss....

Me: Dammit I am Ross.

2011 To Do List

So to get over my latest woe-is-me funk I’ve decided to make some goals I like goals

1. Go to a David Sedaris style nudist camp….or topless at women’s fest which would count.
2. Acquire one new friend at the level where we can sit on the couch and watch TV for our nights entertainment
3. Go on 10 dates
4. Poach an egg
5. Take the GRE
6. Move to an apartment with a bit of outdoor space
7. Frame that Poster and Spain Painting
8. Go to the dentist
9. Go to the doctor
10. Go on a long weekend to Washington DC or New York.
11. Weigh 199lbs (less would be good too)
    

Bad 2nd date

I've been the friend.
I've been the nice one.
I've been the caring one.
I've been the understanding one.

Sometimes...just once...

I want to be the one that someone wants.

Lazy Sunday

Phone conversation from this evening…

Me: I didn’t even put on a bra today

Alice: I did but only because I’m still wearing it from yesterday. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

Me: I think it might be worse

Alice: I’m also wearing the same shirt but now its covered in stains.

Me: You just always have to one-up me don’t you?

Sick

I hate being sick.

I just went to walgreens and bought zicam, nyquil, dayquil, throat drops, a sinus flush and the expansion kit of saline solution, kelenix, vapor rub and chicken noodle soup.

I anwered a page and a phonecall from work incorherantly I think my boss said something to the effect of I should see a doctor because I was incohherant. I don't really know what she said I was incoherant at the time.

I'm wearing jeans right now and I walked the dogs. This is an amazing improvement from yesterday. I also ate some soup. I will now procedee to watch the dvr until 8pm where I plan to go to bed.

Disgruntled

I hate everything. It's a combination of PMS and three 12+ hour work days in a row with less than 4hrs of sleep in-between. I have reached exhaustion.

Exhaustion for me means:

• Uncontrolled eye rolling at ridiculous, annoying and unrelenting requests for things that are really quite unreasonable.
  
• Continual bumping into anything with a corner with any part of my body not coated in it's normal cushy layer of fat. I am convinced by morning bruises will develop on both my elbows, my left knee and my right temple.
• Inappropriate sentimental and emotional responses to non-heart string tugging written words. Resulting in the continual singing of "I'm Henry the Eighth," by Herman Hermits in my head to keep from crying on the bus. I really hate that song!
  
• Conflicting and persistent overwhelming feelings of hatred and love for anyone that matters.

The worst part? Nothing bad, abnormal or unusual happened today. Just a normal fine day I'm the only one making it bad, its really quite obnoxious. I am so maddened by my own negativity I would storm out on myself in disgust if I could manage it.

I'm refusing communication with the outside world and going to bed at 8.

Fin.

The Genesis of Friendship

My grandmother lives in a small ranch house on a large corner lot in suburbia. The yard is always balding and scattered with dandelions. There is a black spray painted eagle that hangs above the one car garage, buttercup yellow siding and a overgrown magnolia tree in the front that obscures the majority of the house.

This house has is really the only constant I've ever had in my life. Just before I was born my parents moved in with my grandmother. My grandfather died in June, I was born in July and the Magnolia tree was planted in August.

My parents both worked and my grandmother would care for me. When I was a year old we moved into our own home but I still went to Grandmother's house M-F for her to "watch me" until my freshman year of high school.

My grandmother took on the baby sitting duties of a little boy named Timmy who lived a few doors down. We potty trained together and I remember wanting to pee and stand too. I wanted to grow up to be a boy. Timmy and I went to preschool together and one Halloween when I was a butterfly and my wings couldn't fit through the bathroom door and I panicked; he helped squish my wings together so I could get inside. He was Tender heart bear that Halloween his mom made him a costume out of footie pajamas and sewed a little heart on the tummy.

I remember I got blisters all over my fingertips from playing the guitar and had to have my hands wrapped in comedic-ly large gauze mittens so they didn't get infected. We were playing and I wasn't able to pick up the little kitchen items in the play house; Timmy pretend-cooked the dinner for us since I couldnt.

He disappeared from my memory then. I went to Lutheran school for kindergarten and I suspect my grandmother stopped baby sitting him at that time. I wonder what happened to him; this Birth-4 year old brother of mine. I wonder where he went to school, if hes married, or if he grew up to be as sweet as he was in my memory.

During the boom Timmy's house was demolished; the little ranch house replaced with a sprawling brick mini-mansion towering over the lot, as has been the case with so many of the houses in that neighborhood. When I went back the last time I couldn't remember which was the lot that used to be Timmy's house. I sat in my parked car in the driveway looking over, expecting it to jump out at me, but it didn't. All I had was the recognition of a lost history; and wondering what else I may have forgotten.

About to burst

It's been a good week. I got my annual review and got the highest possible rating (which on average only 7% of employees get). Higher raise for me. Woot Woot!

I hired three people.

I paid all my bills.

I watered my plants.

I packed my bags.

Spain, Morocco and Portugal here I come!

Suck it

Dear Mother Nature,

You really must get your sister Flo under control. She was supposed to visit two weeks ago and never showed up. No note or anything but you know me I let it go I know she is a little flaky. However what I will not tolerate is her showing up today. She was even more surly than usual. I kindly asked her to leave (you see I have vacation planned starting tomorrow). But did she? NO! She just stood there kicking me in the abdomen and throwing onions at my eyes.

Look I understand you only have so much control over her but really if she misses her time with me I must insist she skip the visit entirely.

Respectful yours,
Annabelle

Bi-polar

I find it a curiosity that everyone at work thinks I'm the most cold, evil and hateful person in the world. Yet all the people in my personal life think I'm a mush-mat (combo super sensitive mush ball and doormat).

I don't think I act any differently. Sigh.

Lush

You are 29 years old and it is completely unacceptable that you are stumbling into your house at 1:50am on a Monday night.

However finding your personal perfect neighborhood bar...is quite frankly oh so so worth it!

Operation Friends

Okay since the breakup with the teacher it has become mind-numbing apparent that relying on a girlfriend for all my within-city limits social calendar events was not the best idea.

Have no fear I have a plan (I always have a plan). Basically the theory is to put aside my hatred of meeting new people and force myself to an extrovert. I've been talking to strangers about anything I can think of. I don't think I've scared anyone and practice makes perfect.

Last week turned up a (lesbian) friend dinner-date, followed by a Saturday Jim Henson exhibit trip turned dinner, turned bar fly chatting with her and other bar-goers, turned tv sleepover. Sleepover in the innocent sense...not the wink wink sleepover sense.

Next week I have a tentative new friend dates on Monday and Tuesday and a co-worker dinner/drinks birthday party (with many potential new friends attending). The moral of the story life moves on and life is good.

$$$

I'm broke so I thought I would spend money on iTunes today...I added links in case you are bored

1. Dominos - The Big Pink
2. Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups
3. Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3
4. DANCE - Justice
5. Feel Good Drag - Anberlin
6. Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
   
7. Fireflies - Owl City
   

Self-Righteous

Okay after a Saturday night of feeling horrible, then a Sunday spent in endless crying fits, facebook stalking and wishing for her to show up on my doorstep saying she's changed in a last desperate attempt to regain my sanity I called my parents.

Granted a girlfriend break up is probably the best news they've gotten in awhile but they didn't show it. In fact they did just what I needed, they empathized with me, they comforted me, basically they told me that I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that they aren't the right person if things are that hard.

You know what they are right. Disgustingly and as always my parents are eternally right.

Yes I'm still sad, yes I hid her and all her friends from my facebook stream so I don't end up in unplanned pity parties. Yes I put her shower poof in a soiled puppy pad before throwing it away. That being said I am determined to not be the crazy ex. I will not obsess, I will not look at the good and forget the bad. Whats done is done. I made this choice for a reason (even if I wasn't left much of an option) and it was the right choice.

Today I have resisted typing her name in and seeing what she is up to every minute of every day. Today I stalked meetup to find my own friends. Today I texted an acquaintance in hopes of becoming closer to someone. Today I had an apple for breakfast and splenda in my coffee instead of real sugar. Today I listened to happy music. Today I solved a million problems at work. Today I hugged an old friend. Today someone told me I looked pretty, it still counts even though I'm thier boss. Today I walked home from work in unsensible shoes and got a blister the size of Kansas.

You know today wasnt so bad.

Hopeless

So things hadn’t been great between the teacher and I lately. We had this huge fight a few weeks ago where basically she said that I loved her too much and the balance was all out of whack. She left. She just left me saying she needed to this about things. Later that night I called and things were smoothed over but it was definitely the beginning of the end. She was right. What we both do in relationships doesn’t work for us. I’m too forgiving, to accommodating, basically a doormat. She well is selfish.

Previously when little things arose that bothered me (or her) we would talk about it, stop modify our behavior for the other party. Frankly I didn’t ask for much. I don’t need much really.

Since the big fight she hadn’t changed at all. In fact just the opposite everything was more about what she wanted. It just seemed like she would go about her business and it didn’t matter if I happened to be around or not.

Today I felt nervous when I went to her house. She didn’t engage me in conversation until we started talking about bigger issues and me being sulky. She said she was just unhappy and all she really cared about was her own stuff. She wasn’t really mean about it, just stated as a fact. The truth. She said she was “foggy” and didn’t know what to do about her job, her life or me. She didn’t even know if she was a lesbian anymore. Then she went back into “the you deserve better” bullshit.

I gave it a few minutes to sink in and she was right. She frankly doesn’t care enough for herself, and certainly not me to work on her issues. I can’t “fix” this. I don’t want to spend my life with someone where number 47 on their priority list. I went back in and told her I couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore. So that is that. It ended, no yelling, no tears just the simple truth.

It was the right thing to do. I’m not second-guessing my decision. I have a really bad habit of being with people who are too busy avoiding and obsessing over their own crap to actually give anything back.

Just because I know it was needed and the right thing doesn’t mean I happy with how things turned out. I really had hope. I really thought this was it that I found the right person for me. I thought we were going to build a life together, to have experiences together, to share our lives. I was wrong and that just makes me really really really sad. I may have lost my girlfriend today but more than I miss my friend. And she was a friend I cared a lot about.

There is a shower poof in my trashcan and the sticky remnants of a “K” sticker on my dresser. My house is quiet.

Alice is the only one who called.

Single Again

Nothing to do but wallow in self pity this Saturday night so I figured I'd paint instead

Interesting

You know you have changed when you spend forever creating a self loathing playlist and instead of crying into your wine all you do is think....

What the FUCK?!?! I am so much better than this bullshit.

I do still love Amanda Palmer's whining, she can be tortured for me any time. I however have better things to do today...even if it only is laundry.

Pathetic Self Loathing...It's Been Awhile

Soil, Soil
Tegan and Sara

Oh and I'm feeling
Directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another day's lost
You've just written wondering
And I reply fast
All you need to save me
All you need to save me
Call (call)
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all (all)
And I won't take any other call
I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or god forbid die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you
All you need to say to me
All you need to say to me
Is call (call)
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do and then I realize that I'm crazy. I decide to embrace it. Suddenly life seems more simple albeit selfish.

Fancy That

Since I officially called in sick for work and insomnia was in the mood to reminisce I went back and read a few old blogs...


Take this excerpt from Perpetually Single on December 13, 2008

"The hotel was wonderful right smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood filled with three flats and low rise apartments/condos. I walked the block and a half to Jewel and bought overpriced food and wine, stopped to browse at available condos adds in the window of the real estate office and popped in at a bar for a pre-dinner drink.

I was in a place where my evening entertainment was a cab ride away, any store or restaurant I could ever want to go was here. I was happy, I was by myself but I was where I wanted to be.

On a sleeting Wednesday night in December I was standing on a Wrigleyville street corner hailing a cab and I knew...I knew I was home."

I forgot.

The old hotel, the squeeky staircase, the elevator with a gate, Amanda Palmer's bus driver smoking out front. The smells, the people, the cold, the excitement, the little soaps on the bamboo tray, the salad of spring mix greens with strawberries and blue cheese with raspberry vinagarette dressing. The guy in the line before the concert who just got off work and had an fadded grey canvas backpack. The hotdog stand across the street. The cute lesbian couple next to me. The front row, knowing every word, the hoarse voice. Having to pee so badly running out of the concert to the next door bar and ordering a drink and realizing I was sitting next to Zoe Keating. Chit chatting with Neil Gaiman while I hailed a cab.

I forgot about how I felt when I walked through the neighborhood. How the years being trapped where I didn't belong lifted and suddenly change seemed possible. Where things were right.

Somewhere in my memory this was lost. I googled the hotel.

My dinner last night was from that Jewel.
I live 3 blocks away.

A Letter to an Old Friend

Dear Insomnia,

It's been so long since I've seen you! I'm glad we were able to spend the last 4 hours together staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. I never knew I had 36 individual slats at the current length setting for my blinds until you pointed it out. Heavens knows why the spacing between number 17 and 18 is about 2mm wider than the rest but I will try to resolve mystery and get back to you. Your perceptiveness of your environment is such an admirable trait, there are so many things that would escape my lack of perceptions if it weren't for you.

That being said, I fear I must remind you that I have a job. A job that not only requires me to arrive early but to also refrain from: shouting, snarling, crying, whining, pouting and throwing myself upon the ground in a temper tantrum. I find these expectations lofty on any given day however I find them insurmountable given that I only have a maximum allowable time of 2 hours of sleep left in tonight's schedule.

I will have to politely request that in the future you plan your visits on Friday and Saturday nights as those work best with my schedule. During those times I will be more than happy to entertain any of your paranoid worries or OCD-esc obessions to your satisfaction.

Yours Truly,
Annabelle

P.S. You owe me a vacation day

Different

“How do you know this is different?” A question posed by the teacher.

Its not the first time she asked and it’s not the first time I stumbled over the answer. I’m not so good with words when put on the spot.

I believe my floundering is most likely due to my emotional response to this question…doubt. I’ve been so wrong about so many people before how can I really trust myself to be right about you? Not exactly the comforting words you want to express to your partner.

Then after the question has past along with the anxiety-induced fit it causes I start to think more and trust more.

Why the teacher is different:

1. She is the first person I ever dated that I looked forward to introducing to my friends because I knew they would love her (they do).
2. From the moment I met her I always felt I could be myself and she has never asked me to be anyone but myself.
3. When I saw the way her students reacted to I realized she is one of those teachers that students will remember the name of 20 years from now.
4. She has a career, the ability to balance her checkbook, friends and an apartment that doesn’t look like a college dorm room.
5. She is honest with herself and with me.
6. When we disagree I always feel better after we talk. She listens to what I have to say and follows through on how to handle things in the future.
7. I respect who she is, the decisions she makes and her opinions.
8. She changes my perspective without changing me.
   
9. There are moments we are together doing normal things where I experience a wash of contentment, joy, calm, excitement and amazement. It’s an emotion I can’t describe but it is special and it makes me feel incredibly lucky.
10. None of these things require premeditation, work or even much consciousness. We just "fit."
    

Next time you ask I’ll be ready. You are special. I do know you’re different. We have a lifetime together and I have no intent on ruining it with my timetables and rushing. I have no idea what our future may bring or how we may get there but in my heart I feel it will be more wonderful than I could conjure up through my idle daydreams.

Roy G. Biv

In all my musing on being a happy independent person, “an adult” I made a major oversight. Like most little girls I wore frilly dresses that I loved to twirl in, I played with dolls I stayed up late at sleepovers and played truth or day.

I always felt out of place. A little different I just never quite fit. Don’t get me wrong I did a decent job. I always had friends, boyfriends when I got older but it required a lot of effort. I was always nervous…extraordinarily sensitive to how others around me reacted to what I said or did. I censored. I fit in.

When you talk to most gay people they say they have always known. Some tell me how they tried to cover it up by subscribing to gender roles and how they became free to be who they are when they came out. They say it’s not a choice.

When they step out of their closet for better or worse a weight was lifted. The sky’s part and rainbows cascade down around them. Somewhere a men’s chorus appears to provide the perfect soundtrack for the walk to the nearest gay bar for long islands.

I guess I’m a typical gay person. I didn’t always know. In fact I’m not 100% sure I know now. There have been women I have loved. There have been men I have loved. I rather wear a dress than pants any day of the week and I have a serious aversion to softball. I guess my girl-girlness somehow made me not a lesbian in my own eyes. My lifelong pursuit of blending in couldn’t even be achieved within the LGBT community. But does it matter?

I suppose what I’ve learned is being a lesbian has nothing to do with my haircut or even who I have sex with. It’s about love. It’s about the connection between two people a hand made to fit with yours.

And fitting in has nothing to do with having everyone liking you. I do fit in. I fit in with my close group of friends that I know I can call at 2am on a weeknight. I have people who know me and love me. They love me when I make mistakes, when I’m confused, when I’m scared, when I’m happy. I came out to my friends in college and even during heterosexual relationships my non-straight (ahem wishy-washy) status was common knowledge.

One step I neglected in my previous declarations was mentioning it to my family. Coming out to my parents ranked on my to do list somewhere between growing a mullet and collecting sperm from farm animals. They are catholic…they are republicans. I have panic attacks over disappointing them.

There is never a good time for this conversation, a right place or a right way to do it. The secrecy wore on me. Free time was spent imaging worst case scenarios where after hearing the news in a fit of rage my father runs to the lawyers office to write me out of the will, leaving my mother weeping in corner while mumbling…”What did we do wrong? Dear God, why us…why our family?”

When my girlfriend dropped me off this afternoon and I started to tear up in the elevator I knew today had to be the day. I just couldn’t lie anymore and still keep any shred of my sanity in tact.

When I got home the freak out really began. I sat alone in on the couch in my quiet house a box of tissues settled on my lap. I was shaking. I closed my eyes and I prayed.

I’m not a particularly religious person and I certainly wouldn’t say praying is a regular habit of mine but I guess I didn’t know what else to do. And amidst my tears, my fear and all the questions and horrible scenarios running though my head I felt peace. I felt safe, protected.

No matter what happened I was going to be ok. I had to tell them. I had to give them the opportunity to know me, to accept me, to love me. Because where I stood now every gesture of love made me hurt with the fear that it wouldn’t be given to me “if they knew.”

I went into my room and closed the door. In a last second of cheesy symbolism I opened both of my closets, sat on my bed with my tissues, pulled myself together and made the call.

My father answered the phone chipper as ever and asked how I was…
Me: Ummmm….I’m ok. Will you put mom on the phone too I want to talk to you guys about something.

My mom says hi and I drop the bomb…

“So…I’m gay. How’s that going to work out for you guys?”

Silence.

They actually did okay though. They didn’t seem to appreciate the news via phone call. They wanted to know why I was telling them now (My ultra smooth answer was I don’t know). My dad said it would take time to get used to it. My mom didn’t say much of anything. They told me they loved me and basically it is what it is. The conversation switched gears and we then went on to talking about Belmont’s sensitive subject and visits with family friends.

The whole thing actually went better than my best-case scenario. Despite their forced coolness on the matter I’m sure it was a blow. I’m sure they aren’t thrilled with the situation but the fact of the matter is they still love me. They will get used to it. There are sure to be questions in the future, confusion and maybe a little less acceptance once the shock wears off. But I guess I think it’s going to be ok.

It wasn’t some earth shattering life-changing experience. No preverbal weight was lifted, I didn’t feel any more free, or happy, or changed. I’m still nervous about what will happen with my family in the future but I did get hope from the whole experience. Hope that this isn’t the end of the world.

Recently over dinner with Cobie I said, “So I’m a lesbian now.”
Cobie: You’ve always been a lesbian.
Me: Yeah well I’m sticking to it this time.
Cobie: Okay well dues are in September and we have a parade in June welcome to the club.

It’s just another day, a day where I am the same person who I was yesterday. A day where I wake up and struggle to be myself and not be bothered when someone isn’t willing to do backflips over the obviously super-awesome person I am. A day where I have some faith that just maybe my little world isn’t that big of a fucking deal after all.

I will see you at the parade in June. I’ll be the person wearing rainbows.

In Lust

I responded to a craigslist ad. I know right. I've always found it disturbing that I could buy an escort and a vintage 1977 star wars action figure on the same site.

Still though her ad wasn't skanky so I responded and gave it a go...enter the English teacher

The first date was on Friday and from the moment I met her we hit it off. Conversation was easy, we laughed we bantered we mocked others, we went back to her place for a glass of wine and making fun of people house hunting on television. She even held my parking spot for me while I went to put air in my tires.

I'm completely smitten its ridiculous. I really had no expectations and quite frankly I figured it was going to be more of a "friend" thing.

She came over after her party last night and we watched more funny TV, talked about stupid stuff and even some important stuff.

...we had breakfast this morning

Plans for date three on Thursday.

Its me

Maybe its being stuck alone in my apartment to much

Maybe its because all my "dates" are with my gay best friend

Maybe its because I have some odd goal meeting life lull.

Whatever the reason I am suddenly very sick of being single. My normal contentment with being a celibate monk has rapidly changed to brooding.

After watching Marley & Me and bawling at the thought of my dogs dying and leaving me completely alone in the world. I decided it would be a good idea to stalk my last promising date on facebook. Of course the whole page was posts about the "new girlfriend." I wasn't really that interested but still that's not the point.

WTF?

When the hell is it my turn? Where is my perfect first date? Where is my person that comes in and is smitten with my many flaws? Has age truly turned me too suspicious and independent to even have anyone interested?

Pout.

From Another World

Greetings my name is Benjamin, and my alien name is....Well to pronounce it you would have to have two tongues and four mouths.

I've become assimilated with American YOuth culture and find Pizza amazing. When I'm not harvesting brains and Butts for the mother ship, I tend to listen to slayer and eat Pizza, occasionally (more like every two days) I try something different and eat Burritos while listening to the Avett Brothers. I still haven't mastered eating upside down without spilling all over my carpet. I know what your thinking, and yes what do Aliens need carpet for? Its simple really, and the anwser is: It sure beats bare floors?

Do you eat Pizza and watch the movie 300?
Ben

***Actual picture and message from okcupid

A little less fat

So I have totally fallen off my weight loss bandwagon. Gone are my first three months of obsessively tracking my food and having guilt cross my mind each time my lips decent on an alcoholic beverage. Gone are the days of packing my lunch. I haven't been on a treadmill in 4 months.

My goal for the move and all this insanity was to not gain any weight and quite frankly I've rocked it out.

Total weight loss since I moved....9.4lbs. Which puts me at a total loss of 38.7lbs. Which is starting to be quite a respectable number. 71.1 to my total goal.

I want to get back in to running since its good for my psyche. I purchased a new shuffle to replaced the broken one, I have treadmills in my gym and tons of sidewalks to run on once the weather gets better. I've given permission to my local pals to begin harassing me to join them on races.

I have another date tonight. I'm so freaking popular. I love the people here, I love my apartment, I love sleeping in my bed which even fits in my bedroom. Life is good.

Now if someone would just unpack all these bloody boxes that are littering my dining area.

OKC strikes again

hey how are you doing today

[11:38:40 pm]lilpenggwen81:hi im good

[11:38:42 pm]lilpenggwen81:you?

[11:39:10 pm]lilpenggwen81:im talking to a crazy person (not you)

[11:39:47 pm]chauvinistguy:how is he crazy?

[11:40:08 pm]lilpenggwen81:she talks like shes reading a shakespear book

[11:40:10 pm]lilpenggwen81:very odd

[11:40:21 pm]chauvinistguy:thats funny

[11:40:37 pm]lilpenggwen81:actually said, "I know not"

[11:40:46 pm]lilpenggwen81:and merriment

[11:41:05 pm]lilpenggwen81:i think im just going to let that conversation die

[11:41:07 pm]lilpenggwen81:anyways how are you

[11:41:39 pm]chauvinistguy:good, although a lot of girls on this site have been harassing me

[11:42:03 pm]chauvinistguy:this site is filled with just downright horrible women

[11:42:36 pm]lilpenggwen81:harassing you?

[11:42:41 pm]lilpenggwen81:what did you do :P

[11:42:52 pm]chauvinistguy:harassed them back

[11:43:19 pm]lilpenggwen81:well they deserve it then

[11:44:02 pm]chauvinistguy:I always thought that women were supossed to be more courdious and more nice than men

[11:44:17 pm]chauvinistguy:like back in the olden days

[11:44:25 pm]lilpenggwen81:oh god no

[11:44:27 pm]lilpenggwen81:women are bitchy

[11:44:39 pm]chauvinistguy:women should act like how they were back in the day

[11:44:51 pm]chauvinistguy:which is why I am against feminism

[11:45:01 pm]chauvinistguy:because of the way women are

[11:45:04 pm]lilpenggwen81:those kind of girls are few and far between

[11:45:35 pm]chauvinistguy:I would be for feminism if women would change their ways

[11:45:49 pm]lilpenggwen81:we wouldnt get along

[11:46:01 pm]chauvinistguy:and accept guys for who they are and be polite and humble

[11:46:09 pm]chauvinistguy:why not?

[11:46:19 pm]chauvinistguy:It seems like we are now

[11:46:51 pm]lilpenggwen81:i can accept you for who you are, and i can be polite but i certainly dont agree with you

[11:47:10 pm]chauvinistguy:how so

[11:47:43 pm]chauvinistguy:women have to change their way and not act like how they do. Its destroying our society

[11:47:52 pm]chauvinistguy:and I care for society as a whole

[11:48:02 pm]chauvinistguy:nothing wrong with that

[11:48:57 pm]chauvinistguy:did you read what I said

[11:49:23 pm]lilpenggwen81:exactly what actions are women doing that is destroying our society?

[11:50:10 pm]chauvinistguy:you said that women were bitchy and because of that thats why people should not suport feminism because of how things are now

[11:50:49 pm]chauvinistguy:If women change their ways and act like how they did back in the day then we should then support feminism

[11:50:58 pm]lilpenggwen81:can you define your view of what feminism is for me?

[11:51:08 pm]chauvinistguy:feminism was ok a long time ago, but not now

[11:53:45 pm]chauvinistguy:its women having equal rights as men. I say that the bitchy and high maintenance women should have less rights as men and the women that are nice and decent and are humble and not materialistic should have equal rights as men

[11:54:40 pm]chauvinistguy:I meant less rights than men where it says less rights as men

[11:54:44 pm]lilpenggwen81:which rights should be taken away?

[11:55:59 pm]chauvinistguy:for those trendy high society high fashion women that are shallow we should take away their right to work and their right to lots of money because they are being stupid with it

[11:56:15 pm]chauvinistguy:not all women just those kinds of women.

[11:56:37 pm]chauvinistguy:decent women would still be able to work

[11:56:49 pm]lilpenggwen81:seems like that would be hard to monitor

[11:56:49 pm]chauvinistguy:and have all of the same rights as men

[11:57:10 pm]chauvinistguy:I want to rob Paris Hilton

[11:57:23 pm]chauvinistguy:and defile her for being the way she is

[11:57:39 pm]lilpenggwen81:do you know her?

[11:57:59 pm]chauvinistguy:I don't tolerate shallow choosy materialistic gold digging bitchy women

[11:58:09 pm]chauvinistguy:no I do not but if I did though

[11:58:31 pm]lilpenggwen81:sometimes there is more to people than you may originally think

[11:58:38 pm]lilpenggwen81:i personally dont know paris

[11:58:41 pm]chauvinistguy:they are ruining this society which I care so much about

[11:58:46 pm]lilpenggwen81:so i cant say if that is true for her case

[11:58:56 pm]lilpenggwen81:but i like to give people the benifit of the doubt

[11:59:09 pm]chauvinistguy:and the same for the Kardashians

[11:59:17 pm]chauvinistguy:I want to steal from them

[11:59:44 pm]chauvinistguy:and give the money to the people in Darfur

[12:00:00 am]chauvinistguy:I am fucking Robin Hood

[12:00:16 am]lilpenggwen81:i see

[12:00:49 am]chauvinistguy:now how awesome is that steal from the rich and give to the poor

[12:00:56 am]chauvinistguy:I want to do that

[12:02:37 am]chauvinistguy:More people should be like robin hood

[12:02:48 am]lilpenggwen81:you need a band of merry men

[12:02:58 am]lilpenggwen81:would you wear tights?

[12:02:58 am]chauvinistguy:yes I do

[12:03:17 am]chauvinistguy:no I would not. I would wear baggy pants

[12:03:45 am]lilpenggwen81:im not sure baggy pants are good for theivery

[12:03:47 am]lilpenggwen81:you might trip

[12:04:11 am]chauvinistguy:well how they would be is they would not be long but just baggy

[12:04:21 am]chauvinistguy:so I can store shit in them

[12:05:10 am]lilpenggwen81:like paris hiltons dogs?

[12:05:57 am]chauvinistguy:yeah her small dogs I could steal and give them to some poor boy or girl thats never had a pet

[12:06:31 am]chauvinistguy:If only I could rid the world of shallow women

[12:07:11 am]chauvinistguy:Its like we need to purify humans in order to keep this society together

[12:07:45 am]chauvinistguy:human beings are like art and a drawing

[12:07:54 am]lilpenggwen81:what about shallow men?

[12:08:13 am]chauvinistguy:same for them. I also hate shallow men as well.

[12:08:21 am]chauvinistguy:Those jocks

[12:08:46 am]chauvinistguy:They are just as bad as the shallow women

[12:09:56 am]chauvinistguy:well I got to go. I will be creating a new user because I want to change my username

[12:10:34 am]lilpenggwen81:ok bye

[12:10:42 am]chauvinistguy:bye

Advanced notice would be nice

Before someone comes home with you they should let you know if they are a biter. I'm just saying.

Wow

First impressions....

Is he missing teeth?

No that's just a very big gap between his front two teeth....wait he smiled, no hes definitely missing some teeth...oh and the ones that are left aren't winning any beauty contests either.

Am I this vain....

yes I am.

He talks a lot. About "the war" about being a genius, about working for the CIA of insurance companies, about being on medication...

He does not say thank you when the waitress refills his glass.

Ewww he just said he had magic fingers

Did he really just excuse himself to smoke in the middle of a meal?

Why isn't work calling me? Why isn't Alice calling me? Why did I not plan an out when I knew I would need one?

Ill go with tired that's right, long day at work, little sleep.

No you can not come back to my place.

No I will not make out with you.

I'm sorry your train isn't for another 2 hours, maybe you shouldn't have Chicago listed as your location when you actually live in carol stream.

Oh god hes talking about the war again and how he was beaten and participated in undercover operations at 15 because he looked older and could speak 7 languages.

Uhuh so you have a lesbian life partner and you only sleep together rarely...

JESUS!

No I'm really tired and I thought we were just going for dinner. Sure you can text me.

(not to self program number as do not respond)

I've never been so happy to be home in all my life. This is why I don't online date.

Time to go back to women.

I dont wanna

You know you dont want to go on a date when you have to leave in 20minutes and your makeup isnt done, you smell like smoke, you are wearing dirty jeans and you have absolutely no intention of changing any of it.

I chatted with this guy last night on ok cupid. He sounds horrible but in such a freakish way I was intrigued. Hey new experiences right? That all sounded well and good until this afternoon when I realized

1. Its cold and I dont want to leave my house
2. Im really tired
3. I rather stay in and dye my hair
4. He is probably too progressive to buy my dinner
5. And I have absolutely no intention of every sleeping with this person...ever....EVER

So my plan was to nonchalantly suggest a reschedule, I guess he is allready in the city and wanted to move the time up. I suppose the quicker it is over the better.

Braver than usual

After work yesterday I got my hair cut and went out for happy hour drinks with all of the 3 people I know in Chicago.

No one else really wanted to go out and with 3 beers already in my system I decided that tonight was the night I was going to go to a bar alone. I went home, fed the dogs refreshed my makeup and was out the door in about 15minutes before I had time to change my mind.

My first stop was roscos mainly because I was cold and I had physically been there before. I ordered a drink, had a seat at the bar and realized I was the only girl there. Then some snotty gay guy came up, tapped me an sneered appearance I had taken his seat. I downed my drink and left...this was not going well.

Bar 2: Sidetracks
I liked it better, trendy nice glasses friendly bar tender that chatted with me for a bit. I was still sitting alone futzing with my phone and waiting to get drunk enough to talk to strangers. I heard my name. I look over and there is one of my employees sitting around drinking with his friends. I stop over trying to save some face and left yet again as soon as my drink was finished. I went out for a cigarette trying to plan my next move when my luck turned.

I butted into a conversation of fellow smokers. All of them were recent transplants as well and they invited me to hang out for the night. We had so much fun. I chatted I drank I flirted.

Bar 3: Spin
Drunk, I remember drag queens and shamelessly hitting on the bar tender. I remember stumbling to the bathroom, talking to basically anyone I ran into. Dancing, singing some lady gaga and falling into a cab at 3am to get home.

Today:
So hung over. So worth it.

In other news I have a date tomorrow with a guy who sounds rediculous but its not like I have anything better to do anyways.

I also think I will have a date/possibly friend date later this week with a gal from the interwebs. She sounds fun and adorable so much more hope for that situation.

So yes life is good.