Friends

A conversation with Alice...

Me: I just got of the phone with "Shane." We were talking for 3hours while she was dissembling her bed...so we weren't really talking but talking like we talk....

Alice: Yeah you two have a wierd Ross and Rachel thing going...

Me: No I don't want to date her. I mean she nice and cute but she's...well she a little arrogant.

Alice: You know who you are? Yooourrr Rosssss....

Me: Dammit I am Ross.

Bad 2nd date

I've been the friend.
I've been the nice one.
I've been the caring one.
I've been the understanding one.

Sometimes...just once...

I want to be the one that someone wants.

Lazy Sunday

Phone conversation from this evening…

Me: I didn’t even put on a bra today

Alice: I did but only because I’m still wearing it from yesterday. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

Me: I think it might be worse

Alice: I’m also wearing the same shirt but now its covered in stains.

Me: You just always have to one-up me don’t you?

Sick

I hate being sick.

I just went to walgreens and bought zicam, nyquil, dayquil, throat drops, a sinus flush and the expansion kit of saline solution, kelenix, vapor rub and chicken noodle soup.

I anwered a page and a phonecall from work incorherantly I think my boss said something to the effect of I should see a doctor because I was incohherant. I don't really know what she said I was incoherant at the time.

I'm wearing jeans right now and I walked the dogs. This is an amazing improvement from yesterday. I also ate some soup. I will now procedee to watch the dvr until 8pm where I plan to go to bed.

Disgruntled

I hate everything. It's a combination of PMS and three 12+ hour work days in a row with less than 4hrs of sleep in-between. I have reached exhaustion.

Exhaustion for me means:

• Uncontrolled eye rolling at ridiculous, annoying and unrelenting requests for things that are really quite unreasonable.
  
• Continual bumping into anything with a corner with any part of my body not coated in it's normal cushy layer of fat. I am convinced by morning bruises will develop on both my elbows, my left knee and my right temple.
• Inappropriate sentimental and emotional responses to non-heart string tugging written words. Resulting in the continual singing of "I'm Henry the Eighth," by Herman Hermits in my head to keep from crying on the bus. I really hate that song!
  
• Conflicting and persistent overwhelming feelings of hatred and love for anyone that matters.

The worst part? Nothing bad, abnormal or unusual happened today. Just a normal fine day I'm the only one making it bad, its really quite obnoxious. I am so maddened by my own negativity I would storm out on myself in disgust if I could manage it.

I'm refusing communication with the outside world and going to bed at 8.

Fin.

Suck it

Dear Mother Nature,

You really must get your sister Flo under control. She was supposed to visit two weeks ago and never showed up. No note or anything but you know me I let it go I know she is a little flaky. However what I will not tolerate is her showing up today. She was even more surly than usual. I kindly asked her to leave (you see I have vacation planned starting tomorrow). But did she? NO! She just stood there kicking me in the abdomen and throwing onions at my eyes.

Look I understand you only have so much control over her but really if she misses her time with me I must insist she skip the visit entirely.

Respectful yours,
Annabelle

Bi-polar

I find it a curiosity that everyone at work thinks I'm the most cold, evil and hateful person in the world. Yet all the people in my personal life think I'm a mush-mat (combo super sensitive mush ball and doormat).

I don't think I act any differently. Sigh.

Self-Righteous

Okay after a Saturday night of feeling horrible, then a Sunday spent in endless crying fits, facebook stalking and wishing for her to show up on my doorstep saying she's changed in a last desperate attempt to regain my sanity I called my parents.

Granted a girlfriend break up is probably the best news they've gotten in awhile but they didn't show it. In fact they did just what I needed, they empathized with me, they comforted me, basically they told me that I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that they aren't the right person if things are that hard.

You know what they are right. Disgustingly and as always my parents are eternally right.

Yes I'm still sad, yes I hid her and all her friends from my facebook stream so I don't end up in unplanned pity parties. Yes I put her shower poof in a soiled puppy pad before throwing it away. That being said I am determined to not be the crazy ex. I will not obsess, I will not look at the good and forget the bad. Whats done is done. I made this choice for a reason (even if I wasn't left much of an option) and it was the right choice.

Today I have resisted typing her name in and seeing what she is up to every minute of every day. Today I stalked meetup to find my own friends. Today I texted an acquaintance in hopes of becoming closer to someone. Today I had an apple for breakfast and splenda in my coffee instead of real sugar. Today I listened to happy music. Today I solved a million problems at work. Today I hugged an old friend. Today someone told me I looked pretty, it still counts even though I'm thier boss. Today I walked home from work in unsensible shoes and got a blister the size of Kansas.

You know today wasnt so bad.

Single Again

Nothing to do but wallow in self pity this Saturday night so I figured I'd paint instead

Pathetic Self Loathing...It's Been Awhile

Soil, Soil
Tegan and Sara

Oh and I'm feeling
Directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another day's lost
You've just written wondering
And I reply fast
All you need to save me
All you need to save me
Call (call)
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all (all)
And I won't take any other call
I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or god forbid die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you
All you need to say to me
All you need to say to me
Is call (call)
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call

Roy G. Biv

In all my musing on being a happy independent person, “an adult” I made a major oversight. Like most little girls I wore frilly dresses that I loved to twirl in, I played with dolls I stayed up late at sleepovers and played truth or day.

I always felt out of place. A little different I just never quite fit. Don’t get me wrong I did a decent job. I always had friends, boyfriends when I got older but it required a lot of effort. I was always nervous…extraordinarily sensitive to how others around me reacted to what I said or did. I censored. I fit in.

When you talk to most gay people they say they have always known. Some tell me how they tried to cover it up by subscribing to gender roles and how they became free to be who they are when they came out. They say it’s not a choice.

When they step out of their closet for better or worse a weight was lifted. The sky’s part and rainbows cascade down around them. Somewhere a men’s chorus appears to provide the perfect soundtrack for the walk to the nearest gay bar for long islands.

I guess I’m a typical gay person. I didn’t always know. In fact I’m not 100% sure I know now. There have been women I have loved. There have been men I have loved. I rather wear a dress than pants any day of the week and I have a serious aversion to softball. I guess my girl-girlness somehow made me not a lesbian in my own eyes. My lifelong pursuit of blending in couldn’t even be achieved within the LGBT community. But does it matter?

I suppose what I’ve learned is being a lesbian has nothing to do with my haircut or even who I have sex with. It’s about love. It’s about the connection between two people a hand made to fit with yours.

And fitting in has nothing to do with having everyone liking you. I do fit in. I fit in with my close group of friends that I know I can call at 2am on a weeknight. I have people who know me and love me. They love me when I make mistakes, when I’m confused, when I’m scared, when I’m happy. I came out to my friends in college and even during heterosexual relationships my non-straight (ahem wishy-washy) status was common knowledge.

One step I neglected in my previous declarations was mentioning it to my family. Coming out to my parents ranked on my to do list somewhere between growing a mullet and collecting sperm from farm animals. They are catholic…they are republicans. I have panic attacks over disappointing them.

There is never a good time for this conversation, a right place or a right way to do it. The secrecy wore on me. Free time was spent imaging worst case scenarios where after hearing the news in a fit of rage my father runs to the lawyers office to write me out of the will, leaving my mother weeping in corner while mumbling…”What did we do wrong? Dear God, why us…why our family?”

When my girlfriend dropped me off this afternoon and I started to tear up in the elevator I knew today had to be the day. I just couldn’t lie anymore and still keep any shred of my sanity in tact.

When I got home the freak out really began. I sat alone in on the couch in my quiet house a box of tissues settled on my lap. I was shaking. I closed my eyes and I prayed.

I’m not a particularly religious person and I certainly wouldn’t say praying is a regular habit of mine but I guess I didn’t know what else to do. And amidst my tears, my fear and all the questions and horrible scenarios running though my head I felt peace. I felt safe, protected.

No matter what happened I was going to be ok. I had to tell them. I had to give them the opportunity to know me, to accept me, to love me. Because where I stood now every gesture of love made me hurt with the fear that it wouldn’t be given to me “if they knew.”

I went into my room and closed the door. In a last second of cheesy symbolism I opened both of my closets, sat on my bed with my tissues, pulled myself together and made the call.

My father answered the phone chipper as ever and asked how I was…
Me: Ummmm….I’m ok. Will you put mom on the phone too I want to talk to you guys about something.

My mom says hi and I drop the bomb…

“So…I’m gay. How’s that going to work out for you guys?”

Silence.

They actually did okay though. They didn’t seem to appreciate the news via phone call. They wanted to know why I was telling them now (My ultra smooth answer was I don’t know). My dad said it would take time to get used to it. My mom didn’t say much of anything. They told me they loved me and basically it is what it is. The conversation switched gears and we then went on to talking about Belmont’s sensitive subject and visits with family friends.

The whole thing actually went better than my best-case scenario. Despite their forced coolness on the matter I’m sure it was a blow. I’m sure they aren’t thrilled with the situation but the fact of the matter is they still love me. They will get used to it. There are sure to be questions in the future, confusion and maybe a little less acceptance once the shock wears off. But I guess I think it’s going to be ok.

It wasn’t some earth shattering life-changing experience. No preverbal weight was lifted, I didn’t feel any more free, or happy, or changed. I’m still nervous about what will happen with my family in the future but I did get hope from the whole experience. Hope that this isn’t the end of the world.

Recently over dinner with Cobie I said, “So I’m a lesbian now.”
Cobie: You’ve always been a lesbian.
Me: Yeah well I’m sticking to it this time.
Cobie: Okay well dues are in September and we have a parade in June welcome to the club.

It’s just another day, a day where I am the same person who I was yesterday. A day where I wake up and struggle to be myself and not be bothered when someone isn’t willing to do backflips over the obviously super-awesome person I am. A day where I have some faith that just maybe my little world isn’t that big of a fucking deal after all.

I will see you at the parade in June. I’ll be the person wearing rainbows.

Its me

Maybe its being stuck alone in my apartment to much

Maybe its because all my "dates" are with my gay best friend

Maybe its because I have some odd goal meeting life lull.

Whatever the reason I am suddenly very sick of being single. My normal contentment with being a celibate monk has rapidly changed to brooding.

After watching Marley & Me and bawling at the thought of my dogs dying and leaving me completely alone in the world. I decided it would be a good idea to stalk my last promising date on facebook. Of course the whole page was posts about the "new girlfriend." I wasn't really that interested but still that's not the point.

WTF?

When the hell is it my turn? Where is my perfect first date? Where is my person that comes in and is smitten with my many flaws? Has age truly turned me too suspicious and independent to even have anyone interested?

Pout.

Advanced notice would be nice

Before someone comes home with you they should let you know if they are a biter. I'm just saying.

I'm Here!

I’m overtired. I’m broke. I made it.

After a generous helping of assistance from Rory and Alice I finished staging my house last weekend and it officially went on the market on Monday. I checked out the listing and it doesn’t look half bad. I probably should have painted over the bright purple because it looks a bit much in the house photos…actually all of the pictures are kinda “eh.” I should tell my realtor to put in the listing. House, much like its owner is not very photogenic. Still though if I must say myself it looks pretty kickass. I just hope people will come to see it. Also in checking out the comparables I do not think my pricing is out of line. So I guess now I just wait and see. Which I am more than happy to do since it doesn’t require me to drive anywhere to do it.

The job is okay so far. I’m in that odd first couple weeks where I a little bit have no idea what’s going on and it feels like I never will. Yesterday that already started to turn around. I got to train with some of the techs and had a couple meetings so I fill a smidge bit more up to speed.

Socially my life leaves much to be desired. Unless the young hipster lifestyle involves eating dinner with your parents watching only half the news and being in bed by 9:30pm. I did steal away Friday night to go to happy hour with Cobie, another high school friend and a half dozen or so other equally adorable techie types. This weekend I will probably hang out at home my grandmother is visiting. I think I may jet away to the city on Saturday night for a non-reunion high school reunion. Either that or I will spend the day catching up on sleep. Sleep is cheaper.