Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Sometimes

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Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do and then I realize that I'm crazy. I decide to embrace it. Suddenly life seems more simple albeit selfish.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Fancy That

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Since I officially called in sick for work and insomnia was in the mood to reminisce I went back and read a few old blogs...


Take this excerpt from Perpetually Single on December 13, 2008
"The hotel was wonderful right smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood filled with three flats and low rise apartments/condos. I walked the block and a half to Jewel and bought overpriced food and wine, stopped to browse at available condos adds in the window of the real estate office and popped in at a bar for a pre-dinner drink.

I was in a place where my evening entertainment was a cab ride away, any store or restaurant I could ever want to go was here. I was happy, I was by myself but I was where I wanted to be.

On a sleeting Wednesday night in December I was standing on a Wrigleyville street corner hailing a cab and I knew...I knew I was home."


I forgot.

The old hotel, the squeeky staircase, the elevator with a gate, Amanda Palmer's bus driver smoking out front. The smells, the people, the cold, the excitement, the little soaps on the bamboo tray, the salad of spring mix greens with strawberries and blue cheese with raspberry vinagarette dressing. The guy in the line before the concert who just got off work and had an fadded grey canvas backpack. The hotdog stand across the street. The cute lesbian couple next to me. The front row, knowing every word, the hoarse voice. Having to pee so badly running out of the concert to the next door bar and ordering a drink and realizing I was sitting next to Zoe Keating. Chit chatting with Neil Gaiman while I hailed a cab.

I forgot about how I felt when I walked through the neighborhood. How the years being trapped where I didn't belong lifted and suddenly change seemed possible. Where things were right.

Somewhere in my memory this was lost. I googled the hotel.

My dinner last night was from that Jewel.
I live 3 blocks away.

A Letter to an Old Friend

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Dear Insomnia,

It's been so long since I've seen you! I'm glad we were able to spend the last 4 hours together staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. I never knew I had 36 individual slats at the current length setting for my blinds until you pointed it out. Heavens knows why the spacing between number 17 and 18 is about 2mm wider than the rest but I will try to resolve mystery and get back to you. Your perceptiveness of your environment is such an admirable trait, there are so many things that would escape my lack of perceptions if it weren't for you.

That being said, I fear I must remind you that I have a job. A job that not only requires me to arrive early but to also refrain from: shouting, snarling, crying, whining, pouting and throwing myself upon the ground in a temper tantrum. I find these expectations lofty on any given day however I find them insurmountable given that I only have a maximum allowable time of 2 hours of sleep left in tonight's schedule.

I will have to politely request that in the future you plan your visits on Friday and Saturday nights as those work best with my schedule. During those times I will be more than happy to entertain any of your paranoid worries or OCD-esc obessions to your satisfaction.

Yours Truly,
Annabelle

P.S. You owe me a vacation day

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Different

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“How do you know this is different?” A question posed by the teacher.

Its not the first time she asked and it’s not the first time I stumbled over the answer. I’m not so good with words when put on the spot.

I believe my floundering is most likely due to my emotional response to this question…doubt. I’ve been so wrong about so many people before how can I really trust myself to be right about you? Not exactly the comforting words you want to express to your partner.

Then after the question has past along with the anxiety-induced fit it causes I start to think more and trust more.

Why the teacher is different:
  1. She is the first person I ever dated that I looked forward to introducing to my friends because I knew they would love her (they do).
  2. From the moment I met her I always felt I could be myself and she has never asked me to be anyone but myself.
  3. When I saw the way her students reacted to I realized she is one of those teachers that students will remember the name of 20 years from now.
  4. She has a career, the ability to balance her checkbook, friends and an apartment that doesn’t look like a college dorm room.
  5. She is honest with herself and with me.
  6. When we disagree I always feel better after we talk. She listens to what I have to say and follows through on how to handle things in the future.
  7. I respect who she is, the decisions she makes and her opinions.
  8. She changes my perspective without changing me.
  9. There are moments we are together doing normal things where I experience a wash of contentment, joy, calm, excitement and amazement. It’s an emotion I can’t describe but it is special and it makes me feel incredibly lucky.
  10. None of these things require premeditation, work or even much consciousness. We just "fit."
Next time you ask I’ll be ready. You are special. I do know you’re different. We have a lifetime together and I have no intent on ruining it with my timetables and rushing. I have no idea what our future may bring or how we may get there but in my heart I feel it will be more wonderful than I could conjure up through my idle daydreams.