Letters I will never send

Dear Tree trunks,

It’s true I said I wouldn’t bother you but apparently I’m a bald-faced liar. I want to start out saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I tuned into a drunken mess and accused you of everything under the sun. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and I acted poorly.

Honestly I’m not sure we had long term potential but I was in a much different place than you I and was interested to see where things might go. The news in email quite frankly stung and I knew you being overly busy wasn’t actually case and you were just letting me down easy. I know you meant this as well intentioned but I guess I tend to get the drift more than most people give me credit for.

I know I have now damaged things irrevocably, however I suppose that was somewhat intentional. The fact of the matter is I cared about you and you hurt me. Sitting across from you and being friends isn’t what I want. I want to touch your hands, I want you to kiss me, I want you to hold me as the morning light streams through the blinds. Please for the love of god never talk to me again. As much as I want to hear where you life goes and all you may accomplish the knowledge that I will never be part of it is just a continual reminder of how I will never be what you want.

I realize that my desire to be with you has more to do with my loneliness than with you as a person. Which makes me just as dysfunctional, cruel and cold hearted as you.

-Annabelle

Valentines day

Well I'm glad I spent the last week of my life smitten with a girl that will no longer give me the time of day after I slept with her...

Sigh maybe I'm getting better at rejection but I just dont care that much.

On a side note I did spend a good hour on the phone with a new girl who seems rather adorable.

Hope spring eternal.

Anxiety

So after talking with Shane on Saturday and in response to Alice's continual nagging I am getting off my duff and joining a gym. A real gym. Not some lame-o work gym, not the gym in my basement a real gym where real serious gym people work out. Where there are WINDOWS open to the street. And why wouldn't there be everyone in there looks like you could use their abdomens for hard writing surfaces. I've walked past it a million times and I must admit the view is nice.

My abdomen is best suited as a pillow (as is the rest of my body). I wonder if they will ask if I'm lost when I walk in the door. Sigh...fuck it I have to go. I mine as well go to one where I know someone that will force me to show up.

Stereotypes

Sometimes I walk down the street and catch a view of myself as others see me...and what I find is I'm a complete urban-white 30 something sterotype.

Outfit: Boots, jeans, down jacket and hat with flaps

Accessories: ipod playing indie rock

Drink: Starbucks

Purchases: Reusable Whole foods bag with peeking out french bread and flowers. Plastic target bag filled with things I don't need.

Thoughts: Guilt over acquiring plastic target bag (I like to use them for the bathroom garbage).

Car: Subaru sans kayak

Activity: Staring at the 3 parking regulation signs to see if any apply to me.

Friends

A conversation with Alice...

Me: I just got of the phone with "Shane." We were talking for 3hours while she was dissembling her bed...so we weren't really talking but talking like we talk....

Alice: Yeah you two have a wierd Ross and Rachel thing going...

Me: No I don't want to date her. I mean she nice and cute but she's...well she a little arrogant.

Alice: You know who you are? Yooourrr Rosssss....

Me: Dammit I am Ross.

2011 To Do List

So to get over my latest woe-is-me funk I’ve decided to make some goals I like goals

1. Go to a David Sedaris style nudist camp….or topless at women’s fest which would count.
2. Acquire one new friend at the level where we can sit on the couch and watch TV for our nights entertainment
3. Go on 10 dates
4. Poach an egg
5. Take the GRE
6. Move to an apartment with a bit of outdoor space
7. Frame that Poster and Spain Painting
8. Go to the dentist
9. Go to the doctor
10. Go on a long weekend to Washington DC or New York.
11. Weigh 199lbs (less would be good too)
    

Bad 2nd date

I've been the friend.
I've been the nice one.
I've been the caring one.
I've been the understanding one.

Sometimes...just once...

I want to be the one that someone wants.

Lazy Sunday

Phone conversation from this evening…

Me: I didn’t even put on a bra today

Alice: I did but only because I’m still wearing it from yesterday. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

Me: I think it might be worse

Alice: I’m also wearing the same shirt but now its covered in stains.

Me: You just always have to one-up me don’t you?

Sick

I hate being sick.

I just went to walgreens and bought zicam, nyquil, dayquil, throat drops, a sinus flush and the expansion kit of saline solution, kelenix, vapor rub and chicken noodle soup.

I anwered a page and a phonecall from work incorherantly I think my boss said something to the effect of I should see a doctor because I was incohherant. I don't really know what she said I was incoherant at the time.

I'm wearing jeans right now and I walked the dogs. This is an amazing improvement from yesterday. I also ate some soup. I will now procedee to watch the dvr until 8pm where I plan to go to bed.

Disgruntled

I hate everything. It's a combination of PMS and three 12+ hour work days in a row with less than 4hrs of sleep in-between. I have reached exhaustion.

Exhaustion for me means:

• Uncontrolled eye rolling at ridiculous, annoying and unrelenting requests for things that are really quite unreasonable.
  
• Continual bumping into anything with a corner with any part of my body not coated in it's normal cushy layer of fat. I am convinced by morning bruises will develop on both my elbows, my left knee and my right temple.
• Inappropriate sentimental and emotional responses to non-heart string tugging written words. Resulting in the continual singing of "I'm Henry the Eighth," by Herman Hermits in my head to keep from crying on the bus. I really hate that song!
  
• Conflicting and persistent overwhelming feelings of hatred and love for anyone that matters.

The worst part? Nothing bad, abnormal or unusual happened today. Just a normal fine day I'm the only one making it bad, its really quite obnoxious. I am so maddened by my own negativity I would storm out on myself in disgust if I could manage it.

I'm refusing communication with the outside world and going to bed at 8.

Fin.

The Genesis of Friendship

My grandmother lives in a small ranch house on a large corner lot in suburbia. The yard is always balding and scattered with dandelions. There is a black spray painted eagle that hangs above the one car garage, buttercup yellow siding and a overgrown magnolia tree in the front that obscures the majority of the house.

This house has is really the only constant I've ever had in my life. Just before I was born my parents moved in with my grandmother. My grandfather died in June, I was born in July and the Magnolia tree was planted in August.

My parents both worked and my grandmother would care for me. When I was a year old we moved into our own home but I still went to Grandmother's house M-F for her to "watch me" until my freshman year of high school.

My grandmother took on the baby sitting duties of a little boy named Timmy who lived a few doors down. We potty trained together and I remember wanting to pee and stand too. I wanted to grow up to be a boy. Timmy and I went to preschool together and one Halloween when I was a butterfly and my wings couldn't fit through the bathroom door and I panicked; he helped squish my wings together so I could get inside. He was Tender heart bear that Halloween his mom made him a costume out of footie pajamas and sewed a little heart on the tummy.

I remember I got blisters all over my fingertips from playing the guitar and had to have my hands wrapped in comedic-ly large gauze mittens so they didn't get infected. We were playing and I wasn't able to pick up the little kitchen items in the play house; Timmy pretend-cooked the dinner for us since I couldnt.

He disappeared from my memory then. I went to Lutheran school for kindergarten and I suspect my grandmother stopped baby sitting him at that time. I wonder what happened to him; this Birth-4 year old brother of mine. I wonder where he went to school, if hes married, or if he grew up to be as sweet as he was in my memory.

During the boom Timmy's house was demolished; the little ranch house replaced with a sprawling brick mini-mansion towering over the lot, as has been the case with so many of the houses in that neighborhood. When I went back the last time I couldn't remember which was the lot that used to be Timmy's house. I sat in my parked car in the driveway looking over, expecting it to jump out at me, but it didn't. All I had was the recognition of a lost history; and wondering what else I may have forgotten.

About to burst

It's been a good week. I got my annual review and got the highest possible rating (which on average only 7% of employees get). Higher raise for me. Woot Woot!

I hired three people.

I paid all my bills.

I watered my plants.

I packed my bags.

Spain, Morocco and Portugal here I come!

Suck it

Dear Mother Nature,

You really must get your sister Flo under control. She was supposed to visit two weeks ago and never showed up. No note or anything but you know me I let it go I know she is a little flaky. However what I will not tolerate is her showing up today. She was even more surly than usual. I kindly asked her to leave (you see I have vacation planned starting tomorrow). But did she? NO! She just stood there kicking me in the abdomen and throwing onions at my eyes.

Look I understand you only have so much control over her but really if she misses her time with me I must insist she skip the visit entirely.

Respectful yours,
Annabelle

Bi-polar

I find it a curiosity that everyone at work thinks I'm the most cold, evil and hateful person in the world. Yet all the people in my personal life think I'm a mush-mat (combo super sensitive mush ball and doormat).

I don't think I act any differently. Sigh.

Lush

You are 29 years old and it is completely unacceptable that you are stumbling into your house at 1:50am on a Monday night.

However finding your personal perfect neighborhood bar...is quite frankly oh so so worth it!

Operation Friends

Okay since the breakup with the teacher it has become mind-numbing apparent that relying on a girlfriend for all my within-city limits social calendar events was not the best idea.

Have no fear I have a plan (I always have a plan). Basically the theory is to put aside my hatred of meeting new people and force myself to an extrovert. I've been talking to strangers about anything I can think of. I don't think I've scared anyone and practice makes perfect.

Last week turned up a (lesbian) friend dinner-date, followed by a Saturday Jim Henson exhibit trip turned dinner, turned bar fly chatting with her and other bar-goers, turned tv sleepover. Sleepover in the innocent sense...not the wink wink sleepover sense.

Next week I have a tentative new friend dates on Monday and Tuesday and a co-worker dinner/drinks birthday party (with many potential new friends attending). The moral of the story life moves on and life is good.

$$$

I'm broke so I thought I would spend money on iTunes today...I added links in case you are bored

1. Dominos - The Big Pink
2. Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups
3. Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3
4. DANCE - Justice
5. Feel Good Drag - Anberlin
6. Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
   
7. Fireflies - Owl City
   

Self-Righteous

Okay after a Saturday night of feeling horrible, then a Sunday spent in endless crying fits, facebook stalking and wishing for her to show up on my doorstep saying she's changed in a last desperate attempt to regain my sanity I called my parents.

Granted a girlfriend break up is probably the best news they've gotten in awhile but they didn't show it. In fact they did just what I needed, they empathized with me, they comforted me, basically they told me that I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that they aren't the right person if things are that hard.

You know what they are right. Disgustingly and as always my parents are eternally right.

Yes I'm still sad, yes I hid her and all her friends from my facebook stream so I don't end up in unplanned pity parties. Yes I put her shower poof in a soiled puppy pad before throwing it away. That being said I am determined to not be the crazy ex. I will not obsess, I will not look at the good and forget the bad. Whats done is done. I made this choice for a reason (even if I wasn't left much of an option) and it was the right choice.

Today I have resisted typing her name in and seeing what she is up to every minute of every day. Today I stalked meetup to find my own friends. Today I texted an acquaintance in hopes of becoming closer to someone. Today I had an apple for breakfast and splenda in my coffee instead of real sugar. Today I listened to happy music. Today I solved a million problems at work. Today I hugged an old friend. Today someone told me I looked pretty, it still counts even though I'm thier boss. Today I walked home from work in unsensible shoes and got a blister the size of Kansas.

You know today wasnt so bad.

Hopeless

So things hadn’t been great between the teacher and I lately. We had this huge fight a few weeks ago where basically she said that I loved her too much and the balance was all out of whack. She left. She just left me saying she needed to this about things. Later that night I called and things were smoothed over but it was definitely the beginning of the end. She was right. What we both do in relationships doesn’t work for us. I’m too forgiving, to accommodating, basically a doormat. She well is selfish.

Previously when little things arose that bothered me (or her) we would talk about it, stop modify our behavior for the other party. Frankly I didn’t ask for much. I don’t need much really.

Since the big fight she hadn’t changed at all. In fact just the opposite everything was more about what she wanted. It just seemed like she would go about her business and it didn’t matter if I happened to be around or not.

Today I felt nervous when I went to her house. She didn’t engage me in conversation until we started talking about bigger issues and me being sulky. She said she was just unhappy and all she really cared about was her own stuff. She wasn’t really mean about it, just stated as a fact. The truth. She said she was “foggy” and didn’t know what to do about her job, her life or me. She didn’t even know if she was a lesbian anymore. Then she went back into “the you deserve better” bullshit.

I gave it a few minutes to sink in and she was right. She frankly doesn’t care enough for herself, and certainly not me to work on her issues. I can’t “fix” this. I don’t want to spend my life with someone where number 47 on their priority list. I went back in and told her I couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore. So that is that. It ended, no yelling, no tears just the simple truth.

It was the right thing to do. I’m not second-guessing my decision. I have a really bad habit of being with people who are too busy avoiding and obsessing over their own crap to actually give anything back.

Just because I know it was needed and the right thing doesn’t mean I happy with how things turned out. I really had hope. I really thought this was it that I found the right person for me. I thought we were going to build a life together, to have experiences together, to share our lives. I was wrong and that just makes me really really really sad. I may have lost my girlfriend today but more than I miss my friend. And she was a friend I cared a lot about.

There is a shower poof in my trashcan and the sticky remnants of a “K” sticker on my dresser. My house is quiet.

Alice is the only one who called.

Single Again

Nothing to do but wallow in self pity this Saturday night so I figured I'd paint instead