Bi-polar

I find it a curiosity that everyone at work thinks I'm the most cold, evil and hateful person in the world. Yet all the people in my personal life think I'm a mush-mat (combo super sensitive mush ball and doormat).

I don't think I act any differently. Sigh.

Lush

You are 29 years old and it is completely unacceptable that you are stumbling into your house at 1:50am on a Monday night.

However finding your personal perfect neighborhood bar...is quite frankly oh so so worth it!

Operation Friends

Okay since the breakup with the teacher it has become mind-numbing apparent that relying on a girlfriend for all my within-city limits social calendar events was not the best idea.

Have no fear I have a plan (I always have a plan). Basically the theory is to put aside my hatred of meeting new people and force myself to an extrovert. I've been talking to strangers about anything I can think of. I don't think I've scared anyone and practice makes perfect.

Last week turned up a (lesbian) friend dinner-date, followed by a Saturday Jim Henson exhibit trip turned dinner, turned bar fly chatting with her and other bar-goers, turned tv sleepover. Sleepover in the innocent sense...not the wink wink sleepover sense.

Next week I have a tentative new friend dates on Monday and Tuesday and a co-worker dinner/drinks birthday party (with many potential new friends attending). The moral of the story life moves on and life is good.

$$$

I'm broke so I thought I would spend money on iTunes today...I added links in case you are bored

1. Dominos - The Big Pink
2. Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups
3. Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3
4. DANCE - Justice
5. Feel Good Drag - Anberlin
6. Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
   
7. Fireflies - Owl City
   

Self-Righteous

Okay after a Saturday night of feeling horrible, then a Sunday spent in endless crying fits, facebook stalking and wishing for her to show up on my doorstep saying she's changed in a last desperate attempt to regain my sanity I called my parents.

Granted a girlfriend break up is probably the best news they've gotten in awhile but they didn't show it. In fact they did just what I needed, they empathized with me, they comforted me, basically they told me that I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that they aren't the right person if things are that hard.

You know what they are right. Disgustingly and as always my parents are eternally right.

Yes I'm still sad, yes I hid her and all her friends from my facebook stream so I don't end up in unplanned pity parties. Yes I put her shower poof in a soiled puppy pad before throwing it away. That being said I am determined to not be the crazy ex. I will not obsess, I will not look at the good and forget the bad. Whats done is done. I made this choice for a reason (even if I wasn't left much of an option) and it was the right choice.

Today I have resisted typing her name in and seeing what she is up to every minute of every day. Today I stalked meetup to find my own friends. Today I texted an acquaintance in hopes of becoming closer to someone. Today I had an apple for breakfast and splenda in my coffee instead of real sugar. Today I listened to happy music. Today I solved a million problems at work. Today I hugged an old friend. Today someone told me I looked pretty, it still counts even though I'm thier boss. Today I walked home from work in unsensible shoes and got a blister the size of Kansas.

You know today wasnt so bad.

Hopeless

So things hadn’t been great between the teacher and I lately. We had this huge fight a few weeks ago where basically she said that I loved her too much and the balance was all out of whack. She left. She just left me saying she needed to this about things. Later that night I called and things were smoothed over but it was definitely the beginning of the end. She was right. What we both do in relationships doesn’t work for us. I’m too forgiving, to accommodating, basically a doormat. She well is selfish.

Previously when little things arose that bothered me (or her) we would talk about it, stop modify our behavior for the other party. Frankly I didn’t ask for much. I don’t need much really.

Since the big fight she hadn’t changed at all. In fact just the opposite everything was more about what she wanted. It just seemed like she would go about her business and it didn’t matter if I happened to be around or not.

Today I felt nervous when I went to her house. She didn’t engage me in conversation until we started talking about bigger issues and me being sulky. She said she was just unhappy and all she really cared about was her own stuff. She wasn’t really mean about it, just stated as a fact. The truth. She said she was “foggy” and didn’t know what to do about her job, her life or me. She didn’t even know if she was a lesbian anymore. Then she went back into “the you deserve better” bullshit.

I gave it a few minutes to sink in and she was right. She frankly doesn’t care enough for herself, and certainly not me to work on her issues. I can’t “fix” this. I don’t want to spend my life with someone where number 47 on their priority list. I went back in and told her I couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore. So that is that. It ended, no yelling, no tears just the simple truth.

It was the right thing to do. I’m not second-guessing my decision. I have a really bad habit of being with people who are too busy avoiding and obsessing over their own crap to actually give anything back.

Just because I know it was needed and the right thing doesn’t mean I happy with how things turned out. I really had hope. I really thought this was it that I found the right person for me. I thought we were going to build a life together, to have experiences together, to share our lives. I was wrong and that just makes me really really really sad. I may have lost my girlfriend today but more than I miss my friend. And she was a friend I cared a lot about.

There is a shower poof in my trashcan and the sticky remnants of a “K” sticker on my dresser. My house is quiet.

Alice is the only one who called.

Single Again

Nothing to do but wallow in self pity this Saturday night so I figured I'd paint instead