Letters I will never send

Dear Tree trunks,

It’s true I said I wouldn’t bother you but apparently I’m a bald-faced liar. I want to start out saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I tuned into a drunken mess and accused you of everything under the sun. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and I acted poorly.

Honestly I’m not sure we had long term potential but I was in a much different place than you I and was interested to see where things might go. The news in email quite frankly stung and I knew you being overly busy wasn’t actually case and you were just letting me down easy. I know you meant this as well intentioned but I guess I tend to get the drift more than most people give me credit for.

I know I have now damaged things irrevocably, however I suppose that was somewhat intentional. The fact of the matter is I cared about you and you hurt me. Sitting across from you and being friends isn’t what I want. I want to touch your hands, I want you to kiss me, I want you to hold me as the morning light streams through the blinds. Please for the love of god never talk to me again. As much as I want to hear where you life goes and all you may accomplish the knowledge that I will never be part of it is just a continual reminder of how I will never be what you want.

I realize that my desire to be with you has more to do with my loneliness than with you as a person. Which makes me just as dysfunctional, cruel and cold hearted as you.

-Annabelle

Valentines day

Well I'm glad I spent the last week of my life smitten with a girl that will no longer give me the time of day after I slept with her...

Sigh maybe I'm getting better at rejection but I just dont care that much.

On a side note I did spend a good hour on the phone with a new girl who seems rather adorable.

Hope spring eternal.

Anxiety

So after talking with Shane on Saturday and in response to Alice's continual nagging I am getting off my duff and joining a gym. A real gym. Not some lame-o work gym, not the gym in my basement a real gym where real serious gym people work out. Where there are WINDOWS open to the street. And why wouldn't there be everyone in there looks like you could use their abdomens for hard writing surfaces. I've walked past it a million times and I must admit the view is nice.

My abdomen is best suited as a pillow (as is the rest of my body). I wonder if they will ask if I'm lost when I walk in the door. Sigh...fuck it I have to go. I mine as well go to one where I know someone that will force me to show up.

Stereotypes

Sometimes I walk down the street and catch a view of myself as others see me...and what I find is I'm a complete urban-white 30 something sterotype.

Outfit: Boots, jeans, down jacket and hat with flaps

Accessories: ipod playing indie rock

Drink: Starbucks

Purchases: Reusable Whole foods bag with peeking out french bread and flowers. Plastic target bag filled with things I don't need.

Thoughts: Guilt over acquiring plastic target bag (I like to use them for the bathroom garbage).

Car: Subaru sans kayak

Activity: Staring at the 3 parking regulation signs to see if any apply to me.

Friends

A conversation with Alice...

Me: I just got of the phone with "Shane." We were talking for 3hours while she was dissembling her bed...so we weren't really talking but talking like we talk....

Alice: Yeah you two have a wierd Ross and Rachel thing going...

Me: No I don't want to date her. I mean she nice and cute but she's...well she a little arrogant.

Alice: You know who you are? Yooourrr Rosssss....

Me: Dammit I am Ross.

2011 To Do List

So to get over my latest woe-is-me funk I’ve decided to make some goals I like goals

1. Go to a David Sedaris style nudist camp….or topless at women’s fest which would count.
2. Acquire one new friend at the level where we can sit on the couch and watch TV for our nights entertainment
3. Go on 10 dates
4. Poach an egg
5. Take the GRE
6. Move to an apartment with a bit of outdoor space
7. Frame that Poster and Spain Painting
8. Go to the dentist
9. Go to the doctor
10. Go on a long weekend to Washington DC or New York.
11. Weigh 199lbs (less would be good too)
    

Bad 2nd date

I've been the friend.
I've been the nice one.
I've been the caring one.
I've been the understanding one.

Sometimes...just once...

I want to be the one that someone wants.