Annabelle Tinley (The Girl in the Pink Polo)

Letters I will never send

2011-02-27T03:45:00.002-06:00

Dear Tree trunks,

It’s true I said I wouldn’t bother you but apparently I’m a bald-faced liar. I want to start out saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I tuned into a drunken mess and accused you of everything under the sun. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and I acted poorly.

Honestly I’m not sure we had long term potential but I was in a much different place than you I and was interested to see where things might go. The news in email quite frankly stung and I knew you being overly busy wasn’t actually case and you were just letting me down easy. I know you meant this as well intentioned but I guess I tend to get the drift more than most people give me credit for.

I know I have now damaged things irrevocably, however I suppose that was somewhat intentional. The fact of the matter is I cared about you and you hurt me. Sitting across from you and being friends isn’t what I want. I want to touch your hands, I want you to kiss me, I want you to hold me as the morning light streams through the blinds. Please for the love of god never talk to me again. As much as I want to hear where you life goes and all you may accomplish the knowledge that I will never be part of it is just a continual reminder of how I will never be what you want.

I realize that my desire to be with you has more to do with my loneliness than with you as a person. Which makes me just as dysfunctional, cruel and cold hearted as you.

-Annabelle

Valentines day

2011-02-14T22:31:00.002-06:00

Well I'm glad I spent the last week of my life smitten with a girl that will no longer give me the time of day after I slept with her...

Sigh maybe I'm getting better at rejection but I just dont care that much.

On a side note I did spend a good hour on the phone with a new girl who seems rather adorable.

Hope spring eternal.

Anxiety

2011-01-09T22:58:00.002-06:00

So after talking with Shane on Saturday and in response to Alice's continual nagging I am getting off my duff and joining a gym. A real gym. Not some lame-o work gym, not the gym in my basement a real gym where real serious gym people work out. Where there are WINDOWS open to the street. And why wouldn't there be everyone in there looks like you could use their abdomens for hard writing surfaces. I've walked past it a million times and I must admit the view is nice.

My abdomen is best suited as a pillow (as is the rest of my body). I wonder if they will ask if I'm lost when I walk in the door. Sigh...fuck it I have to go. I mine as well go to one where I know someone that will force me to show up.

Stereotypes

2011-01-06T22:32:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I walk down the street and catch a view of myself as others see me...and what I find is I'm a complete urban-white 30 something sterotype.

Outfit: Boots, jeans, down jacket and hat with flaps

Accessories: ipod playing indie rock

Drink: Starbucks

Purchases: Reusable Whole foods bag with peeking out french bread and flowers. Plastic target bag filled with things I don't need.

Thoughts: Guilt over acquiring plastic target bag (I like to use them for the bathroom garbage).

Car: Subaru sans kayak

Activity: Staring at the 3 parking regulation signs to see if any apply to me.

Friends

2010-12-29T22:30:00.003-06:00

A conversation with Alice...

Me: I just got of the phone with "Shane." We were talking for 3hours while she was dissembling her bed...so we weren't really talking but talking like we talk....

Alice: Yeah you two have a wierd Ross and Rachel thing going...

Me: No I don't want to date her. I mean she nice and cute but she's...well she a little arrogant.

Alice: You know who you are? Yooourrr Rosssss....

Me: Dammit I am Ross.

2011 To Do List

2010-12-22T20:29:00.002-06:00

So to get over my latest woe-is-me funk I’ve decided to make some goals I like goals

Go to a David Sedaris style nudist camp….or topless at women’s fest which would count.
Acquire one new friend at the level where we can sit on the couch and watch TV for our nights entertainment
Go on 10 dates
Poach an egg
Take the GRE
Move to an apartment with a bit of outdoor space
Frame that Poster and Spain Painting
Go to the dentist
Go to the doctor
Go on a long weekend to Washington DC or New York.
Weigh 199lbs (less would be good too)

Bad 2nd date

2010-12-22T01:44:00.004-06:00

I've been the friend.
I've been the nice one.
I've been the caring one.
I've been the understanding one.

Sometimes...just once...

I want to be the one that someone wants.

Lazy Sunday

2010-12-19T19:44:00.001-06:00

Phone conversation from this evening…

Me: I didn’t even put on a bra today

Alice: I did but only because I’m still wearing it from yesterday. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

Me: I think it might be worse

Alice: I’m also wearing the same shirt but now its covered in stains.

Me: You just always have to one-up me don’t you?

Sick

2010-12-14T13:31:00.002-06:00

I hate being sick.

I just went to walgreens and bought zicam, nyquil, dayquil, throat drops, a sinus flush and the expansion kit of saline solution, kelenix, vapor rub and chicken noodle soup.

I anwered a page and a phonecall from work incorherantly I think my boss said something to the effect of I should see a doctor because I was incohherant. I don't really know what she said I was incoherant at the time.

I'm wearing jeans right now and I walked the dogs. This is an amazing improvement from yesterday. I also ate some soup. I will now procedee to watch the dvr until 8pm where I plan to go to bed.

Disgruntled

2010-12-01T18:30:00.004-06:00

I hate everything. It's a combination of PMS and three 12+ hour work days in a row with less than 4hrs of sleep in-between. I have reached exhaustion.

Exhaustion for me means:

Uncontrolled eye rolling at ridiculous, annoying and unrelenting requests for things that are really quite unreasonable.
Continual bumping into anything with a corner with any part of my body not coated in it's normal cushy layer of fat. I am convinced by morning bruises will develop on both my elbows, my left knee and my right temple.
Inappropriate sentimental and emotional responses to non-heart string tugging written words. Resulting in the continual singing of "I'm Henry the Eighth," by Herman Hermits in my head to keep from crying on the bus. I really hate that song!
Conflicting and persistent overwhelming feelings of hatred and love for anyone that matters.

The worst part? Nothing bad, abnormal or unusual happened today. Just a normal fine day I'm the only one making it bad, its really quite obnoxious. I am so maddened by my own negativity I would storm out on myself in disgust if I could manage it.

I'm refusing communication with the outside world and going to bed at 8.

Fin.

The Genesis of Friendship

2010-11-28T21:29:00.003-06:00

My grandmother lives in a small ranch house on a large corner lot in suburbia. The yard is always balding and scattered with dandelions. There is a black spray painted eagle that hangs above the one car garage, buttercup yellow siding and a overgrown magnolia tree in the front that obscures the majority of the house.

This house has is really the only constant I've ever had in my life. Just before I was born my parents moved in with my grandmother. My grandfather died in June, I was born in July and the Magnolia tree was planted in August.

My parents both worked and my grandmother would care for me. When I was a year old we moved into our own home but I still went to Grandmother's house M-F for her to "watch me" until my freshman year of high school.

My grandmother took on the baby sitting duties of a little boy named Timmy who lived a few doors down. We potty trained together and I remember wanting to pee and stand too. I wanted to grow up to be a boy. Timmy and I went to preschool together and one Halloween when I was a butterfly and my wings couldn't fit through the bathroom door and I panicked; he helped squish my wings together so I could get inside. He was Tender heart bear that Halloween his mom made him a costume out of footie pajamas and sewed a little heart on the tummy.

I remember I got blisters all over my fingertips from playing the guitar and had to have my hands wrapped in comedic-ly large gauze mittens so they didn't get infected. We were playing and I wasn't able to pick up the little kitchen items in the play house; Timmy pretend-cooked the dinner for us since I couldnt.

He disappeared from my memory then. I went to Lutheran school for kindergarten and I suspect my grandmother stopped baby sitting him at that time. I wonder what happened to him; this Birth-4 year old brother of mine. I wonder where he went to school, if hes married, or if he grew up to be as sweet as he was in my memory.

During the boom Timmy's house was demolished; the little ranch house replaced with a sprawling brick mini-mansion towering over the lot, as has been the case with so many of the houses in that neighborhood. When I went back the last time I couldn't remember which was the lot that used to be Timmy's house. I sat in my parked car in the driveway looking over, expecting it to jump out at me, but it didn't. All I had was the recognition of a lost history; and wondering what else I may have forgotten.

About to burst

2010-11-03T23:59:00.002-05:00

It's been a good week. I got my annual review and got the highest possible rating (which on average only 7% of employees get). Higher raise for me. Woot Woot!

I hired three people.

I paid all my bills.

I watered my plants.

I packed my bags.

Spain, Morocco and Portugal here I come!

Suck it

2010-11-03T01:01:00.002-05:00

Dear Mother Nature,

You really must get your sister Flo under control. She was supposed to visit two weeks ago and never showed up. No note or anything but you know me I let it go I know she is a little flaky. However what I will not tolerate is her showing up today. She was even more surly than usual. I kindly asked her to leave (you see I have vacation planned starting tomorrow). But did she? NO! She just stood there kicking me in the abdomen and throwing onions at my eyes.

Look I understand you only have so much control over her but really if she misses her time with me I must insist she skip the visit entirely.

Respectful yours,
Annabelle

Bi-polar

2010-10-22T00:09:00.002-05:00

I find it a curiosity that everyone at work thinks I'm the most cold, evil and hateful person in the world. Yet all the people in my personal life think I'm a mush-mat (combo super sensitive mush ball and doormat).

I don't think I act any differently. Sigh.

Lush

2010-10-19T01:50:00.003-05:00

You are 29 years old and it is completely unacceptable that you are stumbling into your house at 1:50am on a Monday night.

However finding your personal perfect neighborhood bar...is quite frankly oh so so worth it!

Operation Friends

2010-10-17T14:41:00.003-05:00

Okay since the breakup with the teacher it has become mind-numbing apparent that relying on a girlfriend for all my within-city limits social calendar events was not the best idea.

Have no fear I have a plan (I always have a plan). Basically the theory is to put aside my hatred of meeting new people and force myself to an extrovert. I've been talking to strangers about anything I can think of. I don't think I've scared anyone and practice makes perfect.

Last week turned up a (lesbian) friend dinner-date, followed by a Saturday Jim Henson exhibit trip turned dinner, turned bar fly chatting with her and other bar-goers, turned tv sleepover. Sleepover in the innocent sense...not the wink wink sleepover sense.

Next week I have a tentative new friend dates on Monday and Tuesday and a co-worker dinner/drinks birthday party (with many potential new friends attending). The moral of the story life moves on and life is good.

$$$

2010-10-11T22:59:00.003-05:00

I'm broke so I thought I would spend money on iTunes today...I added links in case you are bored

Dominos - The Big Pink
Panic Switch - Silversun Pickups
Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3
DANCE - Justice
Feel Good Drag - Anberlin
Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun
Fireflies - Owl City

Self-Righteous

2010-10-05T23:05:00.003-05:00

Okay after a Saturday night of feeling horrible, then a Sunday spent in endless crying fits, facebook stalking and wishing for her to show up on my doorstep saying she's changed in a last desperate attempt to regain my sanity I called my parents.

Granted a girlfriend break up is probably the best news they've gotten in awhile but they didn't show it. In fact they did just what I needed, they empathized with me, they comforted me, basically they told me that I'm the best thing since sliced bread and that they aren't the right person if things are that hard.

You know what they are right. Disgustingly and as always my parents are eternally right.

Yes I'm still sad, yes I hid her and all her friends from my facebook stream so I don't end up in unplanned pity parties. Yes I put her shower poof in a soiled puppy pad before throwing it away. That being said I am determined to not be the crazy ex. I will not obsess, I will not look at the good and forget the bad. Whats done is done. I made this choice for a reason (even if I wasn't left much of an option) and it was the right choice.

Today I have resisted typing her name in and seeing what she is up to every minute of every day. Today I stalked meetup to find my own friends. Today I texted an acquaintance in hopes of becoming closer to someone. Today I had an apple for breakfast and splenda in my coffee instead of real sugar. Today I listened to happy music. Today I solved a million problems at work. Today I hugged an old friend. Today someone told me I looked pretty, it still counts even though I'm thier boss. Today I walked home from work in unsensible shoes and got a blister the size of Kansas.

You know today wasnt so bad.

Hopeless

2010-10-03T00:34:00.001-05:00

So things hadn’t been great between the teacher and I lately. We had this huge fight a few weeks ago where basically she said that I loved her too much and the balance was all out of whack. She left. She just left me saying she needed to this about things. Later that night I called and things were smoothed over but it was definitely the beginning of the end. She was right. What we both do in relationships doesn’t work for us. I’m too forgiving, to accommodating, basically a doormat. She well is selfish.

Previously when little things arose that bothered me (or her) we would talk about it, stop modify our behavior for the other party. Frankly I didn’t ask for much. I don’t need much really.

Since the big fight she hadn’t changed at all. In fact just the opposite everything was more about what she wanted. It just seemed like she would go about her business and it didn’t matter if I happened to be around or not.

Today I felt nervous when I went to her house. She didn’t engage me in conversation until we started talking about bigger issues and me being sulky. She said she was just unhappy and all she really cared about was her own stuff. She wasn’t really mean about it, just stated as a fact. The truth. She said she was “foggy” and didn’t know what to do about her job, her life or me. She didn’t even know if she was a lesbian anymore. Then she went back into “the you deserve better” bullshit.

I gave it a few minutes to sink in and she was right. She frankly doesn’t care enough for herself, and certainly not me to work on her issues. I can’t “fix” this. I don’t want to spend my life with someone where number 47 on their priority list. I went back in and told her I couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore. So that is that. It ended, no yelling, no tears just the simple truth.

It was the right thing to do. I’m not second-guessing my decision. I have a really bad habit of being with people who are too busy avoiding and obsessing over their own crap to actually give anything back.

Just because I know it was needed and the right thing doesn’t mean I happy with how things turned out. I really had hope. I really thought this was it that I found the right person for me. I thought we were going to build a life together, to have experiences together, to share our lives. I was wrong and that just makes me really really really sad. I may have lost my girlfriend today but more than I miss my friend. And she was a friend I cared a lot about.

There is a shower poof in my trashcan and the sticky remnants of a “K” sticker on my dresser. My house is quiet.

Alice is the only one who called.

Single Again

2010-10-02T22:50:00.001-05:00

Nothing to do but wallow in self pity this Saturday night so I figured I'd paint instead

Interesting

2010-09-13T20:52:00.003-05:00

You know you have changed when you spend forever creating a self loathing playlist and instead of crying into your wine all you do is think....

What the FUCK?!?! I am so much better than this bullshit.

I do still love Amanda Palmer's whining, she can be tortured for me any time. I however have better things to do today...even if it only is laundry.

Pathetic Self Loathing...It's Been Awhile

2010-09-13T17:13:00.002-05:00

Soil, Soil
Tegan and Sara

Oh and I'm feeling
Directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another day's lost
You've just written wondering
And I reply fast
All you need to save me
All you need to save me
Call (call)
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all (all)
And I won't take any other call
I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or god forbid die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you
All you need to say to me
All you need to say to me
Is call (call)
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call

Sometimes

2010-08-31T20:11:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do and then I realize that I'm crazy. I decide to embrace it. Suddenly life seems more simple albeit selfish.

Fancy That

2010-08-25T05:41:00.002-05:00

Since I officially called in sick for work and insomnia was in the mood to reminisce I went back and read a few old blogs...

Take this excerpt from Perpetually Single on December 13, 2008

"The hotel was wonderful right smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood filled with three flats and low rise apartments/condos. I walked the block and a half to Jewel and bought overpriced food and wine, stopped to browse at available condos adds in the window of the real estate office and popped in at a bar for a pre-dinner drink.

I was in a place where my evening entertainment was a cab ride away, any store or restaurant I could ever want to go was here. I was happy, I was by myself but I was where I wanted to be.

On a sleeting Wednesday night in December I was standing on a Wrigleyville street corner hailing a cab and I knew...I knew I was home."

I forgot.

The old hotel, the squeeky staircase, the elevator with a gate, Amanda Palmer's bus driver smoking out front. The smells, the people, the cold, the excitement, the little soaps on the bamboo tray, the salad of spring mix greens with strawberries and blue cheese with raspberry vinagarette dressing. The guy in the line before the concert who just got off work and had an fadded grey canvas backpack. The hotdog stand across the street. The cute lesbian couple next to me. The front row, knowing every word, the hoarse voice. Having to pee so badly running out of the concert to the next door bar and ordering a drink and realizing I was sitting next to Zoe Keating. Chit chatting with Neil Gaiman while I hailed a cab.

I forgot about how I felt when I walked through the neighborhood. How the years being trapped where I didn't belong lifted and suddenly change seemed possible. Where things were right.

Somewhere in my memory this was lost. I googled the hotel.

My dinner last night was from that Jewel.
I live 3 blocks away.

A Letter to an Old Friend

2010-08-25T03:06:00.002-05:00

Dear Insomnia,

It's been so long since I've seen you! I'm glad we were able to spend the last 4 hours together staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. I never knew I had 36 individual slats at the current length setting for my blinds until you pointed it out. Heavens knows why the spacing between number 17 and 18 is about 2mm wider than the rest but I will try to resolve mystery and get back to you. Your perceptiveness of your environment is such an admirable trait, there are so many things that would escape my lack of perceptions if it weren't for you.

That being said, I fear I must remind you that I have a job. A job that not only requires me to arrive early but to also refrain from: shouting, snarling, crying, whining, pouting and throwing myself upon the ground in a temper tantrum. I find these expectations lofty on any given day however I find them insurmountable given that I only have a maximum allowable time of 2 hours of sleep left in tonight's schedule.

I will have to politely request that in the future you plan your visits on Friday and Saturday nights as those work best with my schedule. During those times I will be more than happy to entertain any of your paranoid worries or OCD-esc obessions to your satisfaction.

Yours Truly,
Annabelle

P.S. You owe me a vacation day

Different

2010-08-17T18:59:00.002-05:00

“How do you know this is different?” A question posed by the teacher.

Its not the first time she asked and it’s not the first time I stumbled over the answer. I’m not so good with words when put on the spot.

I believe my floundering is most likely due to my emotional response to this question…doubt. I’ve been so wrong about so many people before how can I really trust myself to be right about you? Not exactly the comforting words you want to express to your partner.

Then after the question has past along with the anxiety-induced fit it causes I start to think more and trust more.

Why the teacher is different:

She is the first person I ever dated that I looked forward to introducing to my friends because I knew they would love her (they do).
From the moment I met her I always felt I could be myself and she has never asked me to be anyone but myself.
When I saw the way her students reacted to I realized she is one of those teachers that students will remember the name of 20 years from now.
She has a career, the ability to balance her checkbook, friends and an apartment that doesn’t look like a college dorm room.
She is honest with herself and with me.
When we disagree I always feel better after we talk. She listens to what I have to say and follows through on how to handle things in the future.
I respect who she is, the decisions she makes and her opinions.
She changes my perspective without changing me.
There are moments we are together doing normal things where I experience a wash of contentment, joy, calm, excitement and amazement. It’s an emotion I can’t describe but it is special and it makes me feel incredibly lucky.
None of these things require premeditation, work or even much consciousness. We just "fit."

Next time you ask I’ll be ready. You are special. I do know you’re different. We have a lifetime together and I have no intent on ruining it with my timetables and rushing. I have no idea what our future may bring or how we may get there but in my heart I feel it will be more wonderful than I could conjure up through my idle daydreams.

Roy G. Biv

2010-05-16T23:37:00.004-05:00

In all my musing on being a happy independent person, “an adult” I made a major oversight. Like most little girls I wore frilly dresses that I loved to twirl in, I played with dolls I stayed up late at sleepovers and played truth or day.

I always felt out of place. A little different I just never quite fit. Don’t get me wrong I did a decent job. I always had friends, boyfriends when I got older but it required a lot of effort. I was always nervous…extraordinarily sensitive to how others around me reacted to what I said or did. I censored. I fit in.

When you talk to most gay people they say they have always known. Some tell me how they tried to cover it up by subscribing to gender roles and how they became free to be who they are when they came out. They say it’s not a choice.

When they step out of their closet for better or worse a weight was lifted. The sky’s part and rainbows cascade down around them. Somewhere a men’s chorus appears to provide the perfect soundtrack for the walk to the nearest gay bar for long islands.

I guess I’m a typical gay person. I didn’t always know. In fact I’m not 100% sure I know now. There have been women I have loved. There have been men I have loved. I rather wear a dress than pants any day of the week and I have a serious aversion to softball. I guess my girl-girlness somehow made me not a lesbian in my own eyes. My lifelong pursuit of blending in couldn’t even be achieved within the LGBT community. But does it matter?

I suppose what I’ve learned is being a lesbian has nothing to do with my haircut or even who I have sex with. It’s about love. It’s about the connection between two people a hand made to fit with yours.

And fitting in has nothing to do with having everyone liking you. I do fit in. I fit in with my close group of friends that I know I can call at 2am on a weeknight. I have people who know me and love me. They love me when I make mistakes, when I’m confused, when I’m scared, when I’m happy. I came out to my friends in college and even during heterosexual relationships my non-straight (ahem wishy-washy) status was common knowledge.

One step I neglected in my previous declarations was mentioning it to my family. Coming out to my parents ranked on my to do list somewhere between growing a mullet and collecting sperm from farm animals. They are catholic…they are republicans. I have panic attacks over disappointing them.

There is never a good time for this conversation, a right place or a right way to do it. The secrecy wore on me. Free time was spent imaging worst case scenarios where after hearing the news in a fit of rage my father runs to the lawyers office to write me out of the will, leaving my mother weeping in corner while mumbling…”What did we do wrong? Dear God, why us…why our family?”

When my girlfriend dropped me off this afternoon and I started to tear up in the elevator I knew today had to be the day. I just couldn’t lie anymore and still keep any shred of my sanity in tact.

When I got home the freak out really began. I sat alone in on the couch in my quiet house a box of tissues settled on my lap. I was shaking. I closed my eyes and I prayed.

I’m not a particularly religious person and I certainly wouldn’t say praying is a regular habit of mine but I guess I didn’t know what else to do. And amidst my tears, my fear and all the questions and horrible scenarios running though my head I felt peace. I felt safe, protected.

No matter what happened I was going to be ok. I had to tell them. I had to give them the opportunity to know me, to accept me, to love me. Because where I stood now every gesture of love made me hurt with the fear that it wouldn’t be given to me “if they knew.”

I went into my room and closed the door. In a last second of cheesy symbolism I opened both of my closets, sat on my bed with my tissues, pulled myself together and made the call.

My father answered the phone chipper as ever and asked how I was…
Me: Ummmm….I’m ok. Will you put mom on the phone too I want to talk to you guys about something.

My mom says hi and I drop the bomb…

“So…I’m gay. How’s that going to work out for you guys?”

Silence.

They actually did okay though. They didn’t seem to appreciate the news via phone call. They wanted to know why I was telling them now (My ultra smooth answer was I don’t know). My dad said it would take time to get used to it. My mom didn’t say much of anything. They told me they loved me and basically it is what it is. The conversation switched gears and we then went on to talking about Belmont’s sensitive subject and visits with family friends.

The whole thing actually went better than my best-case scenario. Despite their forced coolness on the matter I’m sure it was a blow. I’m sure they aren’t thrilled with the situation but the fact of the matter is they still love me. They will get used to it. There are sure to be questions in the future, confusion and maybe a little less acceptance once the shock wears off. But I guess I think it’s going to be ok.

It wasn’t some earth shattering life-changing experience. No preverbal weight was lifted, I didn’t feel any more free, or happy, or changed. I’m still nervous about what will happen with my family in the future but I did get hope from the whole experience. Hope that this isn’t the end of the world.

Recently over dinner with Cobie I said, “So I’m a lesbian now.”
Cobie: You’ve always been a lesbian.
Me: Yeah well I’m sticking to it this time.
Cobie: Okay well dues are in September and we have a parade in June welcome to the club.

It’s just another day, a day where I am the same person who I was yesterday. A day where I wake up and struggle to be myself and not be bothered when someone isn’t willing to do backflips over the obviously super-awesome person I am. A day where I have some faith that just maybe my little world isn’t that big of a fucking deal after all.

I will see you at the parade in June. I’ll be the person wearing rainbows.

In Lust

2010-03-14T22:11:00.004-05:00

I responded to a craigslist ad. I know right. I've always found it disturbing that I could buy an escort and a vintage 1977 star wars action figure on the same site.

Still though her ad wasn't skanky so I responded and gave it a go...enter the English teacher

The first date was on Friday and from the moment I met her we hit it off. Conversation was easy, we laughed we bantered we mocked others, we went back to her place for a glass of wine and making fun of people house hunting on television. She even held my parking spot for me while I went to put air in my tires.

I'm completely smitten its ridiculous. I really had no expectations and quite frankly I figured it was going to be more of a "friend" thing.

She came over after her party last night and we watched more funny TV, talked about stupid stuff and even some important stuff.

...we had breakfast this morning

Plans for date three on Thursday.

Its me

2010-02-09T22:58:00.002-06:00

Maybe its being stuck alone in my apartment to much

Maybe its because all my "dates" are with my gay best friend

Maybe its because I have some odd goal meeting life lull.

Whatever the reason I am suddenly very sick of being single. My normal contentment with being a celibate monk has rapidly changed to brooding.

After watching Marley & Me and bawling at the thought of my dogs dying and leaving me completely alone in the world. I decided it would be a good idea to stalk my last promising date on facebook. Of course the whole page was posts about the "new girlfriend." I wasn't really that interested but still that's not the point.

WTF?

When the hell is it my turn? Where is my perfect first date? Where is my person that comes in and is smitten with my many flaws? Has age truly turned me too suspicious and independent to even have anyone interested?

Pout.

From Another World

2010-01-30T22:42:00.003-06:00

Greetings my name is Benjamin, and my alien name is....Well to pronounce it you would have to have two tongues and four mouths.

I've become assimilated with American YOuth culture and find Pizza amazing. When I'm not harvesting brains and Butts for the mother ship, I tend to listen to slayer and eat Pizza, occasionally (more like every two days) I try something different and eat Burritos while listening to the Avett Brothers. I still haven't mastered eating upside down without spilling all over my carpet. I know what your thinking, and yes what do Aliens need carpet for? Its simple really, and the anwser is: It sure beats bare floors?

Do you eat Pizza and watch the movie 300?
Ben

***Actual picture and message from okcupid

A little less fat

2010-01-18T11:50:00.002-06:00

So I have totally fallen off my weight loss bandwagon. Gone are my first three months of obsessively tracking my food and having guilt cross my mind each time my lips decent on an alcoholic beverage. Gone are the days of packing my lunch. I haven't been on a treadmill in 4 months.

My goal for the move and all this insanity was to not gain any weight and quite frankly I've rocked it out.

Total weight loss since I moved....9.4lbs. Which puts me at a total loss of 38.7lbs. Which is starting to be quite a respectable number. 71.1 to my total goal.

I want to get back in to running since its good for my psyche. I purchased a new shuffle to replaced the broken one, I have treadmills in my gym and tons of sidewalks to run on once the weather gets better. I've given permission to my local pals to begin harassing me to join them on races.

I have another date tonight. I'm so freaking popular. I love the people here, I love my apartment, I love sleeping in my bed which even fits in my bedroom. Life is good.

Now if someone would just unpack all these bloody boxes that are littering my dining area.

OKC strikes again

2010-01-18T00:12:00.001-06:00

hey how are you doing today

[11:38:40 pm]lilpenggwen81:hi im good

[11:38:42 pm]lilpenggwen81:you?

[11:39:10 pm]lilpenggwen81:im talking to a crazy person (not you)

[11:39:47 pm]chauvinistguy:how is he crazy?

[11:40:08 pm]lilpenggwen81:she talks like shes reading a shakespear book

[11:40:10 pm]lilpenggwen81:very odd

[11:40:21 pm]chauvinistguy:thats funny

[11:40:37 pm]lilpenggwen81:actually said, "I know not"

[11:40:46 pm]lilpenggwen81:and merriment

[11:41:05 pm]lilpenggwen81:i think im just going to let that conversation die

[11:41:07 pm]lilpenggwen81:anyways how are you

[11:41:39 pm]chauvinistguy:good, although a lot of girls on this site have been harassing me

[11:42:03 pm]chauvinistguy:this site is filled with just downright horrible women

[11:42:36 pm]lilpenggwen81:harassing you?

[11:42:41 pm]lilpenggwen81:what did you do :P

[11:42:52 pm]chauvinistguy:harassed them back

[11:43:19 pm]lilpenggwen81:well they deserve it then

[11:44:02 pm]chauvinistguy:I always thought that women were supossed to be more courdious and more nice than men

[11:44:17 pm]chauvinistguy:like back in the olden days

[11:44:25 pm]lilpenggwen81:oh god no

[11:44:27 pm]lilpenggwen81:women are bitchy

[11:44:39 pm]chauvinistguy:women should act like how they were back in the day

[11:44:51 pm]chauvinistguy:which is why I am against feminism

[11:45:01 pm]chauvinistguy:because of the way women are

[11:45:04 pm]lilpenggwen81:those kind of girls are few and far between

[11:45:35 pm]chauvinistguy:I would be for feminism if women would change their ways

[11:45:49 pm]lilpenggwen81:we wouldnt get along

[11:46:01 pm]chauvinistguy:and accept guys for who they are and be polite and humble

[11:46:09 pm]chauvinistguy:why not?

[11:46:19 pm]chauvinistguy:It seems like we are now

[11:46:51 pm]lilpenggwen81:i can accept you for who you are, and i can be polite but i certainly dont agree with you

[11:47:10 pm]chauvinistguy:how so

[11:47:43 pm]chauvinistguy:women have to change their way and not act like how they do. Its destroying our society

[11:47:52 pm]chauvinistguy:and I care for society as a whole

[11:48:02 pm]chauvinistguy:nothing wrong with that

[11:48:57 pm]chauvinistguy:did you read what I said

[11:49:23 pm]lilpenggwen81:exactly what actions are women doing that is destroying our society?

[11:50:10 pm]chauvinistguy:you said that women were bitchy and because of that thats why people should not suport feminism because of how things are now

[11:50:49 pm]chauvinistguy:If women change their ways and act like how they did back in the day then we should then support feminism

[11:50:58 pm]lilpenggwen81:can you define your view of what feminism is for me?

[11:51:08 pm]chauvinistguy:feminism was ok a long time ago, but not now

[11:53:45 pm]chauvinistguy:its women having equal rights as men. I say that the bitchy and high maintenance women should have less rights as men and the women that are nice and decent and are humble and not materialistic should have equal rights as men

[11:54:40 pm]chauvinistguy:I meant less rights than men where it says less rights as men

[11:54:44 pm]lilpenggwen81:which rights should be taken away?

[11:55:59 pm]chauvinistguy:for those trendy high society high fashion women that are shallow we should take away their right to work and their right to lots of money because they are being stupid with it

[11:56:15 pm]chauvinistguy:not all women just those kinds of women.

[11:56:37 pm]chauvinistguy:decent women would still be able to work

[11:56:49 pm]lilpenggwen81:seems like that would be hard to monitor

[11:56:49 pm]chauvinistguy:and have all of the same rights as men

[11:57:10 pm]chauvinistguy:I want to rob Paris Hilton

[11:57:23 pm]chauvinistguy:and defile her for being the way she is

[11:57:39 pm]lilpenggwen81:do you know her?

[11:57:59 pm]chauvinistguy:I don't tolerate shallow choosy materialistic gold digging bitchy women

[11:58:09 pm]chauvinistguy:no I do not but if I did though

[11:58:31 pm]lilpenggwen81:sometimes there is more to people than you may originally think

[11:58:38 pm]lilpenggwen81:i personally dont know paris

[11:58:41 pm]chauvinistguy:they are ruining this society which I care so much about

[11:58:46 pm]lilpenggwen81:so i cant say if that is true for her case

[11:58:56 pm]lilpenggwen81:but i like to give people the benifit of the doubt

[11:59:09 pm]chauvinistguy:and the same for the Kardashians

[11:59:17 pm]chauvinistguy:I want to steal from them

[11:59:44 pm]chauvinistguy:and give the money to the people in Darfur

[12:00:00 am]chauvinistguy:I am fucking Robin Hood

[12:00:16 am]lilpenggwen81:i see

[12:00:49 am]chauvinistguy:now how awesome is that steal from the rich and give to the poor

[12:00:56 am]chauvinistguy:I want to do that

[12:02:37 am]chauvinistguy:More people should be like robin hood

[12:02:48 am]lilpenggwen81:you need a band of merry men

[12:02:58 am]lilpenggwen81:would you wear tights?

[12:02:58 am]chauvinistguy:yes I do

[12:03:17 am]chauvinistguy:no I would not. I would wear baggy pants

[12:03:45 am]lilpenggwen81:im not sure baggy pants are good for theivery

[12:03:47 am]lilpenggwen81:you might trip

[12:04:11 am]chauvinistguy:well how they would be is they would not be long but just baggy

[12:04:21 am]chauvinistguy:so I can store shit in them

[12:05:10 am]lilpenggwen81:like paris hiltons dogs?

[12:05:57 am]chauvinistguy:yeah her small dogs I could steal and give them to some poor boy or girl thats never had a pet

[12:06:31 am]chauvinistguy:If only I could rid the world of shallow women

[12:07:11 am]chauvinistguy:Its like we need to purify humans in order to keep this society together

[12:07:45 am]chauvinistguy:human beings are like art and a drawing

[12:07:54 am]lilpenggwen81:what about shallow men?

[12:08:13 am]chauvinistguy:same for them. I also hate shallow men as well.

[12:08:21 am]chauvinistguy:Those jocks

[12:08:46 am]chauvinistguy:They are just as bad as the shallow women

[12:09:56 am]chauvinistguy:well I got to go. I will be creating a new user because I want to change my username

[12:10:34 am]lilpenggwen81:ok bye

[12:10:42 am]chauvinistguy:bye

Advanced notice would be nice

2010-01-17T14:42:00.001-06:00

Before someone comes home with you they should let you know if they are a biter. I'm just saying.

Wow

2010-01-10T17:22:00.003-06:00

First impressions....

Is he missing teeth?

No that's just a very big gap between his front two teeth....wait he smiled, no hes definitely missing some teeth...oh and the ones that are left aren't winning any beauty contests either.

Am I this vain....

yes I am.

He talks a lot. About "the war" about being a genius, about working for the CIA of insurance companies, about being on medication...

He does not say thank you when the waitress refills his glass.

Ewww he just said he had magic fingers

Did he really just excuse himself to smoke in the middle of a meal?

Why isn't work calling me? Why isn't Alice calling me? Why did I not plan an out when I knew I would need one?

Ill go with tired that's right, long day at work, little sleep.

No you can not come back to my place.

No I will not make out with you.

I'm sorry your train isn't for another 2 hours, maybe you shouldn't have Chicago listed as your location when you actually live in carol stream.

Oh god hes talking about the war again and how he was beaten and participated in undercover operations at 15 because he looked older and could speak 7 languages.

Uhuh so you have a lesbian life partner and you only sleep together rarely...

JESUS!

No I'm really tired and I thought we were just going for dinner. Sure you can text me.

(not to self program number as do not respond)

I've never been so happy to be home in all my life. This is why I don't online date.

Time to go back to women.

I dont wanna

2010-01-10T14:33:00.004-06:00

You know you dont want to go on a date when you have to leave in 20minutes and your makeup isnt done, you smell like smoke, you are wearing dirty jeans and you have absolutely no intention of changing any of it.

I chatted with this guy last night on ok cupid. He sounds horrible but in such a freakish way I was intrigued. Hey new experiences right? That all sounded well and good until this afternoon when I realized

Its cold and I dont want to leave my house
Im really tired
I rather stay in and dye my hair
He is probably too progressive to buy my dinner
And I have absolutely no intention of every sleeping with this person...ever....EVER

So my plan was to nonchalantly suggest a reschedule, I guess he is allready in the city and wanted to move the time up. I suppose the quicker it is over the better.

Braver than usual

2010-01-09T20:27:00.002-06:00

After work yesterday I got my hair cut and went out for happy hour drinks with all of the 3 people I know in Chicago.

No one else really wanted to go out and with 3 beers already in my system I decided that tonight was the night I was going to go to a bar alone. I went home, fed the dogs refreshed my makeup and was out the door in about 15minutes before I had time to change my mind.

My first stop was roscos mainly because I was cold and I had physically been there before. I ordered a drink, had a seat at the bar and realized I was the only girl there. Then some snotty gay guy came up, tapped me an sneered appearance I had taken his seat. I downed my drink and left...this was not going well.

Bar 2: Sidetracks
I liked it better, trendy nice glasses friendly bar tender that chatted with me for a bit. I was still sitting alone futzing with my phone and waiting to get drunk enough to talk to strangers. I heard my name. I look over and there is one of my employees sitting around drinking with his friends. I stop over trying to save some face and left yet again as soon as my drink was finished. I went out for a cigarette trying to plan my next move when my luck turned.

I butted into a conversation of fellow smokers. All of them were recent transplants as well and they invited me to hang out for the night. We had so much fun. I chatted I drank I flirted.

Bar 3: Spin
Drunk, I remember drag queens and shamelessly hitting on the bar tender. I remember stumbling to the bathroom, talking to basically anyone I ran into. Dancing, singing some lady gaga and falling into a cab at 3am to get home.

Today:
So hung over. So worth it.

In other news I have a date tomorrow with a guy who sounds rediculous but its not like I have anything better to do anyways.

I also think I will have a date/possibly friend date later this week with a gal from the interwebs. She sounds fun and adorable so much more hope for that situation.

So yes life is good.

Fucking REALLY!?!??

2009-12-31T14:23:00.002-06:00

The following is a live chat session from this afternoon...Names have been changed to protect me from being sued.

Live Chat
Connected Status: Analyst Unhelpful Comcast Representative is here and your issue status is: working
Problem: Installer is not here...

user Annabelle_ has entered room

Annabelle(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:43:33 GMT-0600 (CST))>

analyst Unhelpful Comcast Representative has entered room

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:43:40 GMT-0600 (CST))>

Hello Annabelle_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Unhelpful Comcast Representative. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:43:55 GMT-0600 (CST))>
ok

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:43:57 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I am now checking your information. How are you doing today?

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:44:03 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I'm okay.
my installer was supposed to be here between 10am-1pm and they are not here yet. I meant to call but my reception isnt the best so i thought i would try this first

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:44:42 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I hope that means that you're doing great today.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:45:54 GMT-0600 (CST))>
would you be able to check on the status?

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:45:57 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I see.

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:45:58 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I apologize for this if this has been an inconvenience. Let me go ahead and start assisting you on this.
I would like to have your Comcast account number so that I could start assisting you with your request.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:46:39 GMT-0600 (CST))>
umm I dont think I have an account number, they didnt give me anything when i set up the instal time

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:48:06 GMT-0600 (CST))>
That's fine. I have the account information with me now.

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:48:07 GMT-0600 (CST))>
XXXXX is your account number, actually .

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:48:22 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Thank you
I did check my phone and and I didnt have any missed calls or voice mails

Unhelpful Comcast Representative(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:50:01 GMT-0600 (CST))>
That's fine.

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:50:08 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I'm checking on your appointment now.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:50:12 GMT-0600 (CST))>
ok

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:50:22 GMT-0600 (CST))>
The technician should be there by 4pm, Annabelle.

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:50:27 GMT-0600 (CST))>
What time is it there?

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:50:32 GMT-0600 (CST))>
By 4pm?!

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:50:44 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Wasnt my appointment set up from 10-1?

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:51:20 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I'm sorry , 1pm, I mean.

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:51:25 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Sorry about that, that was pure typo.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:52:00 GMT-0600 (CST))>
well it is 1:51pm now so they obviously wont be here by 1pm. Is there a way to contact the installer to see where I am on the list?

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:53:50 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Okay, sure.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:53:56 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Thank you.

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:54:12 GMT-0600 (CST))>
I will have to give you the local Comcast service station in your area.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:54:29 GMT-0600 (CST))>
ok

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:57:49 GMT-0600 (CST))>
What apartment are you , Annabelle?

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 13:57:53 GMT-0600 (CST))>
XXX

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:58:52 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Thank you.

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:00:36 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Are you ready ?

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:00:38 GMT-0600 (CST))>
yes

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:01:37 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Chicago - North Ave.
Address: Hours:
1255 W North Ave
Chicago, IL 60642
Phone: 866-594-1234 Mon, Wed, Fri 9am-6pm, Tue, Thu 8am-5pm, Sat 9am-1pm. Open til 1pm on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. Closed on Christmas Day and New Year's Day.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:02:04 GMT-0600 (CST))>
okay that says its only open until 1pm on new years eve

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:02:07 GMT-0600 (CST))>
which is today

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:03:08 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Right, Annabelle.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:03:36 GMT-0600 (CST))>
well calling them isnt going to do me much good...

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:04:23 GMT-0600 (CST))>
so basically, they should have been here over an hour ago and there is absolutely no one to contact to see where they are or if they are even going to show up?

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:04:30 GMT-0600 (CST))>
You can have these other numbers to verify the status of the appointment :

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:04:31 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Illinois - IL
Chicago and the Greater Chicago Region: 866-372-4215
Kankakee, Joliet, Aurora (Chicago Market): 866-372-4215
Rockford (Central Illinois): 888-736-6608
Rock Falls (Central Illinois): 888-736-6610
Champaign/Urbana (Central Illinois): 888-736-6612
Peoria (Central Illinois): 888-736-6689
Normal/Bloomington (Central Illinois): 888-736-6694
Macomb (Central Illinois): 888-736-6695
Quincy (Central Illinois): 888-736-6698
Springfield (Central Illinois): 888-736-6705

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:06:39 GMT-0600 (CST))>
okay see here is the thing. I first called the local number where i set up the appointment, who told me to call the 1-800-comcast number was the only way to check on the status, The 1-800 comcast number told me to do live chat for faster service, now you are saying the only way to check is my local office...and now you are saying a non-local general chicago office can help me?

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:06:50 GMT-0600 (CST))>
This is really highly frustrating

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:07:44 GMT-0600 (CST))>
especially considering I have taken the day off work to get this done and have other things that I could be doing than waiting for the instaler to show up and call a bunch of different people all of which give me a new number to call.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:12:05 GMT-0600 (CST))>
So can this Chicago/Greater Chicago number be able help me? (the 866-372-4215) Because quite frankly my patience is tapped. Or should I give up and wait and call on saturday.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:14:51 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Hello?

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:15:08 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Yes, I am still here.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:15:12 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Well can it help me or not?

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:15:29 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Gwendoly, I'm sorry but that's the only information I could give to you .

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:16:02 GMT-0600 (CST))>
We can't adjust the store's hours of operation .

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:18:06 GMT-0600 (CST))>
What are the hours of opperation for the chicago and greater chicago number?

Unhelpful Comcast Representitive(Thu Dec 31 2009 15:19:04 GMT-0600 (CST))>
You can call the call center number for that, Annabelle.

Annabelle_(Thu Dec 31 2009 14:20:52 GMT-0600 (CST))>
Okay I can see I have exhausted the information available from you to share with me. Good day.

I want my life back

2009-12-19T22:52:00.002-06:00

I'm still living in the outskirts of the suburbs. My commute is still awful and my parents still drive me crazy. Consider yourselves updated. I have found an apartment. Bless it I cant wait to move. I can move in a week from today. Happy day. I've been scouring ikea like no tomorrow planning how to arrange my new tiny space. Pictures are sure to follow in the future.

I hope its a promise

2009-11-11T20:05:00.002-06:00

So on facebook I became a fan of not listening to nickleback.

kinda ex known as "trailer trash" sent this to me....

"why the hell would u join a hate group? Nickelback is probably better then alot of music you have in your ipod!!! Let me guess you hate slipknot, breaking benjamin, stone sour, and all the top rock bands out there right now as well

I should delete you from my friends list for joining a bunch of haters"

Ooooh I'm threatened.

I can't believe this is the last person I slept with.

Shame.

Smitten

2009-11-04T18:54:00.000-06:00

What is my deal with inappropriate crushes? Upon sight I did one of those instant blushes and fell into obnoxious uncontrollable stupid smiling. Its bad. Said person is insanely smart, successful and they just have a good energy about them. (Pardon me for a moment while I go light some candles and burn some incense). It also probably doesn’t help the situation that she kinda looks like Amanda Palmer even though she doesn’t really. I’m hoping I get a hold of myself soon and I can fall into my normal pattern of jealousy apposed to googley admiration.

I'm Here!

2009-10-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

I’m overtired. I’m broke. I made it.

After a generous helping of assistance from Rory and Alice I finished staging my house last weekend and it officially went on the market on Monday. I checked out the listing and it doesn’t look half bad. I probably should have painted over the bright purple because it looks a bit much in the house photos…actually all of the pictures are kinda “eh.” I should tell my realtor to put in the listing. House, much like its owner is not very photogenic. Still though if I must say myself it looks pretty kickass. I just hope people will come to see it. Also in checking out the comparables I do not think my pricing is out of line. So I guess now I just wait and see. Which I am more than happy to do since it doesn’t require me to drive anywhere to do it.

The job is okay so far. I’m in that odd first couple weeks where I a little bit have no idea what’s going on and it feels like I never will. Yesterday that already started to turn around. I got to train with some of the techs and had a couple meetings so I fill a smidge bit more up to speed.

Socially my life leaves much to be desired. Unless the young hipster lifestyle involves eating dinner with your parents watching only half the news and being in bed by 9:30pm. I did steal away Friday night to go to happy hour with Cobie, another high school friend and a half dozen or so other equally adorable techie types. This weekend I will probably hang out at home my grandmother is visiting. I think I may jet away to the city on Saturday night for a non-reunion high school reunion. Either that or I will spend the day catching up on sleep. Sleep is cheaper.

The last day

2009-09-24T22:51:00.003-05:00

I'm happy.

I'm sitting on my deck, back against the window with a vodka glass filled with ice wine and a camel light spilling ash onto my macbook. Although it may be not the things movies are made of somehow its perfect.

Today is the last day in my house. The house that I though I would come back from my honeymoon to. The house that was supposed to hold my first sleepless child. The house that instead held none of those things. All the disappointment and all the heart ache are over.

Karma is finally paying out. With an amazing career in an amazing city. I'm starting anew. Maybe I don't have the perfect city apartment or European bowl adorning my dinning nook table but somehow thats just really ok.

I don't know whats going to happen in the future...sure as shit things haven't happened to plan so far. I know I'm up for an adventure and that is well...just fine with me.

Cobie I'm coming home!

See Ya....Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya'

2009-09-23T00:07:00.003-05:00

I'm not good at goodbyes. I don't mean that in the way where I cry and blubber and have some earth shaking moment that cause me to reflect upon experiences too strong to put into words as I walk through the exit door.

Nope for me I run through the mental thought. I will most likely never again see this person in my life. I momentarily think this is kinda sad then I realize I don't really care. Then I have to feign being emotionally moved by a separation to a practical stranger. Its awkward, its forced and I will have to do it about 60 times tomorrow.

Suck.

The 10yr Reunion

2009-09-14T22:56:00.003-05:00

All in all I'm glad I went to tool city a.k.a "The Alumni Club" for my HS reunion. The first hour was rather excruciating but the open bar and a keenness too Vodka-Cranberries aided in my ability to get over my flashback of super-shy-uber-nerd. Sure I spent the vast majority of the night hanging with my regular clan but I found a couple new-old friends that will surely come in handy whenever I get my little slice of the Chicago pie.

Today I went and did my pre-employment screening. All things are go except for my mysteriously MIA transcripts I ordered two weeks ago. Two schools will be receiving angry phone calls tomorrow. Unfortunately today was also picture day. Had I known this I would have done my hair and perhaps put more care into operation zit-coverage.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. I actually got the chance to relax a little and enjoy the city. Kinda got the warm fuzzies as I thought...yes this is actually happening. This is what I want to do with my life, and I'm doing it. I've taking my years of wishing, dreaming, preparing and finally here it is. The whole thing is rather euphoric.

Now I just have to ditch this house. I've always been so attached to the place I live and leaving has always been bittersweet for me but quite frankly when I look back on my time in Rochester all I can recall is a really bad life stage. A broken engagement, a horrible depression, a pathetic lack of friends within my zip code. Its not like the years were all bad but all the happy memories I remember were in lacrosse, Appleton, Chicago or even Lincoln freakin Nebraska.

I feel like I've been trapped here for so long, and no matter financially what I loose I can recover. Whatever it is its work my sanity in the end. 12 days until the move!

Should be Sleeping

2009-09-11T00:01:00.003-05:00

Moving countdown: 16 days!

My parents and Alice came up last weekend and we got lots of stuff done. Pretty much everything is packed priced or thrown away. With the exception of my clothes, a few dishes and toiletries. I'm taking this weekend off to visit Chicago for my 10yr highschool reunion and my physical & pre-employment pee in a cup test. I plan on passing with flying colors since I am boring and shockingly heathy for a fat girl.

The reunion might prove to be a bit more difficult. I didn't really consider I would have to wear something and it seems like the type of event one should have a planned outfit for. I'm thinking a big ratty turtlneck sweater and paint stained sweatpants. Might go with story of the bff date and moving back in with my parents. Also in today reunion panic I realized that I don't really remember many people from highschool. I imagine it going like this...

Stranger: Ann how are you?

Me: Spoken in a painfully enthusiastic obviously overcompensating manner How are you?!?! Its been so long! What are you up to? (thinking I have no idea who this person is)

Stranger: Oh you know...I'm the CEO of xyz this is my supermodel wife, here look at this picture of our twins they are staring in the next pampers commercial.

Me: Oh they are so adorable. (I hate kid pictures, I never know what to say...they are babies they all look the same to me and all I want to say is yeah I would have kids but I'm not willing to give up sleep for a tax deduction).

Stranger: So what are you up to?

Me: Well I work in MN, but I just got a new job in Chicago so I'm going to be relocating in a couple weeks.

Stranger: (Insert any quote from Fargo here)

Me: Fake Laugh

Stranger: So have you found a place?

Me: Ummm, no I can't afford to sell my house so I'm going to move in with my parents.

Stranger: Oh (Awkward pause, looks down, embarrassed for both of us) So humm....Did you come with anyone?

Me: Yeah my friend Alice came with me, I always drag her along anytime I need a date.

Stranger: Oh I didn't know you were a lesbian. Kinda explains why you were so quiet & weird in highschool.

Me: Yeah no, shes just a friend. I'm just so socially awkward that I only have the one. Anyways nice catching up but if I have to continue this conversation or have a painfully similar one with anyone else tonight I better hit the bar so I don't end up slitting my wrists in the bathroom. Good seeing you though!

Operation A little less fat update:

Moving is horrible for ones diet and exercise regimen. In two weeks I've managed to gain back 3 lbs and quite frankly I'm surprised its not more since I've been feasting on every local specialty known to man. Not to mention I'm trying to eat everything in my house (most of it is not good for me). My lips have been descending on more fried foods than veggies lately. But whatever.

Week 13

2009-08-31T22:30:00.003-05:00

Moving is not good for operation a little less fat. I gained 1.0lbs this week. This is most likely due to my going out to eat for three delicious high calorie meals and a bunch of alcohol. I also blame this pattern for my annoying cold. Quite frankly I'm surprised it wasn't worse.

Weekend Wonders

2009-08-30T16:47:00.003-05:00

So how come the moment you are moving your previously empty social calendar turns overbooked just when you have absolutely no time to do anything?

On Friday I went out for dinner and drinks so a little Mexican restaurant popular in my current stomping grounds then after wards we went to a friends house for more drinks where we played catch phrase into the wee hours of the morning.

Saturday I did a very miniscule amount of packing, made a bunch of phone calls and had way too many drinks while sitting around a fire eating steak and smores. It was cold and I was up until about 5:30am today I felt like I've been run over a truck carring a flu virus. My sinuses are conjested and I'm a bit afraid my swollen sore throat will close off at any moment.

Today I'm doing laundry, going to church and hopefully packing a couple boxes. I have to find out where to pocure more because lack of recepticles is proving to hinder my progress. Now I must get dressed (urgh) snort some nasal spray and try to look half way presentable.

Big News!

2009-08-27T22:42:00.004-05:00

Project Annabelle is in full swing. I'm moving. Bye bye isolated tundra of Minnesota hello overpopulated city of Chicago. Okay well not exactly..I'm moving in with my parents but this is a temporary step. I need to get my house rented out and save a bit of money to cover housing expenses that might arise of my future renter. I got a wonderful job (a promotion even) I'm actually a bit amazed they hired me. The facility and location are great and even more importantly everyone I met was super nice.

The whole thing is a bit jarring I have so much to do in such a short period of time.

Time for bed.

Week 12

2009-08-26T01:53:00.002-05:00

Another fun week. Not really. I've been busy, I've been over tired and I haven't been the gym in 7 days. Somehow through my diet of McDonalds and prepackaged food I lost 5.1lbs this week.

So definitely not bad news. I'm going to try and get a decent nights sleep and hopefully make it back to the gm tomorrow. Also there are some potentially exciting things on the horizon. Vague I know but yeah thats all I'm saying right now.

Peachy Keen

2009-08-20T23:23:00.003-05:00

I had a wonderful day. I skipped the gym but hey I stayed within my points so no biggie. This is not my point.

So I was at the dry cleaners the other day where I was greeted by the most wonderful lady. She was kind she was funny she carefully attended to all my ocd-esc requests. I even called Alice to tell her about my pleasant interaction while doing my saturday chores.

Flash forward to Wednesday I went to pick up my clothes and the same lady smiling said hi and said oh you must be here to pick up the suit. Not only did she remember me and my order but she remembered out conversation and drowned me in genuine flattery! Had she not been a middle aged woman I may have proposed marriage.

So often I threaten to write strongly worded letters to people who have pissed me off, of course i never get far enough to actually use a stamp. Today in the spirit of turning over a new leaf I hand wrote a nice letter to the owner/manager of my dry cleaner describing my positive experience and singing "Sue's" praises. I dropped it in the mail today.

Pleased with myself (and having leftover points for my day) I went to McDonalds to get an ice cream cone. A few weeks ago Alice and I stopped to get a cone after dinner. The young kid leaned out the window with the vanilla cone smiling and in a chipper voice said, "Who want's Ice cream!?!" It was adorable and honestly made my rotten day turn good. Upon Alice's urging I called the McDonald's and talked to the manager telling them about the chipper young lad that made my day.

Anywho today high on my spreading of joy I visited the same McDonalds to order my 3 point vanilla cone. At the window a middle aged man half leans out and mutters, "Who wants ice cream...?" Sure he didn't say it with the vigor it needed but it still made me feel good. That kid got his compliment and thats what matters.

Annabelle Tinley signing out.... changing the world one compliment at a time.

If you would like a wonderful dry cleaning experience visit Sue...

Dison's Cleaners

20th St. SE

Rochester, MN 55904

Week 11

2009-08-17T23:27:00.005-05:00

It's Monday weigh in day. Today is a particularly exciting because I officially reached my 10% goal. I never really cared or knew anything about the 10% goal until I weight to weight watchers the first time. I was never able to make it to that damn 10% in my three bouts as a member. Well suck it weight watchers I did it on my own.

Well don't suck it. I like weight watchers. I like their little three month journal I like having my points target to stick within. It gets me in the habit of this is what appropriate eating looks like and so far it has gone well.

In other news Alice and I have finally settled on our 5k date October 3rd. I'm going to take it a little easy this week on the jogging since my knee has been bothering me so I might just do 15 minutes of running and then cycle for 30minutes or so. I really should sign up for a personal training thing since I have absolutely no clue of how to exercise, but then again there is still so much time for that. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the glory time before the first sucky platue.

27.7 lbs lost! Rock on!

Wellness Evaluation

2009-08-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

Today was my big wellness evaluation. Sure I should have done this when I started nearly 3 mos ago but I knew it involved spandex and running on a treadmill with a gas mask type contraption affixed to your face so I took my time in making the appointment.

Honestly it wasn't as bad as I expected even considering my evaluator was young tall and dark & breathtakingly handsome. Perhaps next time I will request a old lady so my resting heart rate isn't affected by lust.

So after an hour of embarrassing tests I got my less than lack luster results. But I'm not going to let it bother me. Its a start and something to improve upon.

Today
Weight: 246.1 lbs
Fat: 51.3%
VO2: 19.6
Resting HR: 103

And for the Goals
Weight: 165
Fat: <30%
VO2: >30
Resting HR: <75

Who is Cobie?

2009-08-16T03:12:00.000-05:00

I met Cobie in the parking lot of my high school two weeks before the start of junior year. We were lining up for practice at band camp. That's right I said band camp...wanna make something of it. He was different that all my other friends who were primarily the straight A student council types. It's not that Cobie and I aren't smart. We are we just aren't "traditionally acedemically gifted."

Sometimes because I'm all too self reflective I wonder how things in my life my have been different if he had never come into my life. Before him I was completely and discustingly sheltered. I didn't know gay people, I didn't know the joys of smoking and I would never consider crossing from the suburbs into the dangerous city of Chicago where my parents would have me belive I would be shot on sight. In many late night walks through boys town and surrounding neighborhoods I came to see how my life might be different than the life my parents planned for me. I saw the worlds as bigger and different. I now can see all the possibilies for my future and that I can do anything I dream up, and I learned that from him.

He's different from any person I've met before or met since. He's completely unapoligetic about the way he lives his life. He does what he wants to do and is utterly authentic. He is there to listen whenever I'm going through whatever it is I'm going through and will ocassionally kick my ass out of self loathing mode when it needs to be done. He is always thinking of the future, his next degree, his next work venture. I'm a bit convinced that somehow he will take over the world and become extreemly wealthy. I'm hoping to stay on his good side so he will take me on all expenses paid vacations with him.

Since moving to the less than exciting tundra of minnesota 10 years I don't get to see him as much as I want but with every mini-vay that we meet things pick up right where they left off.

The contrast of Annabelle and Cobie

He likes cats
He likes camping
He does lots of computer stuff and sometimes he talks about it and my eyes glaze over in ineptitude
He listens to some really wierd music...even for me
Sometimes I worry he will become a hippy and run away to join a comune...but then I remember that he wouldnt be able to live without his powerbook, ikea furiture and over priced Irish butter.

Who is Alice?

2009-08-16T00:08:00.000-05:00

I met Alice my freshman year of college. It was most likely about 3am mid week (although such details can not be substantiated) all I know is no one else was awake. In the hallway of the dorms we started chatting, well more accurately mocking. Some people thrive on dorm life. We are not those people. There are little construction paper decorations with glitter in the hallways that change as the seasons pass. Then there are the endless pictures of people on the walls participating in water balloon tosses and three legged races. Its bit like kindergarten but with liquor.

So there we were twin insomniacs trapped in a floor full of estrogen mocking the latest pictures from the last "mixer." The theme from friends should have been playing in the background. We've been relatively inseparable ever since.

We worked together at both Dominos and Subway in college where no one we worked with could ever tell us apart. I understand we are both relatively tall and rubinesce but really...at the time she had short oddly colored spiky hair and mine was long and blonde it is still a mystery where the confusion lied. Those that could tell us apart often thought we were sisters.

As time has passed we have changed from same person, to sisters and now an assumed lesbian couple. A few short weekends ago we were attending a party where a former Winona allum was (as I was convinced) trying to get us to finance a building. Then after torturing us with his optomistic attitude for over an hour with a completly straight face he says, "So how long have you two been a couple?"

There was no...are you gay? Are you together? It just must have seemed like fact that we are obviously an old married couple. I can't completely fault him on his assumption because after further evaluation Alice has been and will likely be my future "date" for every new years, valentines day and anything adressed as Annabelle and guest.

Since our friendship has now graduated to married couple Alice has been pushing for a domestic partnership so she can have better health insurance and a membership at my kick ass gym. I was able to talk her down to an all expenses paid trip to my 10yr high school reunion instead. She admitted got a raw deal.

Since talking about the similarites between Alice and I would be long and tiresome I will highlight our differences instead.

She likes onions
She has a serious aversion to dog hair...and an even bigger aversion to dog drool
She unscrews the cap of her toothpaste even if it has a flip top
She does not use air conditioning

Yup that pretty much sums it up.

Who is Annabelle?

2009-08-15T22:52:00.000-05:00

Despite the dissatisfaction of bff Alice we have a new alias. I present to you Annabelle Tinley. I don't know how I came up with the name it just seemed happy and fitting. Annabelle is a work in progress shes more the girl I want to be. I suppose at my ripe old age of 28 shes the "woman" I want to be but Annabelle doesn't really seem like a woman's name now does it? This blog will chronicle the journey of becoming Annabelle.

Annabelle lives in a shitty one bedroom apartment on the northside of Chicago while she continues to pay on her mortgage of sprawling 4-bedroom suburban/city home in Rochester, MN that was acquired during what she refers to as the "dark years" of her life. Said home is currently rented out to people whom continue to decline the value of her property but pay the rent on time so she doesn't really care that much.

Annabelle works in laboratory medicine where she is some bigwig and all of her staff and bosses worship her for her honesty, intelligence and calm demeanor. However her life is only centered on work for 50 hours per week.

Annabelle likes to spend her evenings cooking with her bff Alice and watching horrible pre-teen drama particularly Degrassi marathons. Together they have conquered making Tofu look appetizing and have tried every single vegetable Whole Food has to offer. After dining of healthful meals Annabelle and Alice enjoy a nice jog or bike ride on the lake shore or if the weather is unfavorable they take in a spinning class or meditative yoga class much to Alice's disdain.

Friday happy hours land Annebelle in Wrigleville to visit her longest bud ever Cobie for drinks, hotdogs the occasionally stolen Camel Light. She enjoys a large and diverse set of friends which Cobie lovingly prescreened for her, and she often treats them to dinner parties and long theological plans on how to save the world through Immunological drugs. Alice & Cobie refuse to attend such parties unless they are drunk, as under being the influence makes us far more entertaining.

She has a slight shopping addiction. She frequents H&M and owns about 3 dozen adorable summer dresses from Mod Cloth. She also spent an entire 3-week European vacation searching for the perfect bowl to place on her table...where she then spent hundreds of dollars getting an electrician to install a spot light on said perfect bowl.

Annabelle occasionally takes metra trips to visit her loving parents and grandmother in the (audible gasp) suburbs. They continually remind her that she isn't getting any younger and should settle down and start ensuring the continuation of the family line. She is however to busy and joyous to be bothered with the continuation of the Tinleys.

Annabelle is a do-good-er. She has contributed 20$ to nearly every charity in the Chicago-land area by participating in 5K races. She brings her own shopping bags to Whole Foods and does not own a car. She also schleps her recycling products since her shitty apartment does not have recycle bins. She believes the idea of being vegan is charming but her love of leather shoes and bacon keep her from taking the leap. She came out to her family as a democrat and was only semi-disowned for one holiday season where she received an autographed copy of Rush Limbaugh's latest book for Christmas.

So yeah that's the plan of where I'm going and who I want to be. Lets see how close I get.

This blog is a continuation of the writings of Ava Mazur. Her musings can be read on http://perpetuallysingle.blogspot.com/.